Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Raw Post for a Raw Day

You know I have thought about whether this should be a journal post or a blog post and felt conflicted. Yet if we cannot be real with one another then really how can we help each other. This is just where I am at.

Today has been a rough day and I need to tell you I have been tempted in some rough ways. I feel like a complete failure as a mother. Working with a special needs child can sometimes be especially demanding, especially if no one else can see it clearly. You see with Aspergers there is not much time for a break. These children are highly social so they have many words and many questions, yet misunderstand so many social cues. This is a great source of sibling strife.

Seeing that my child needed much more today I spent more time with her. This is typical really. I just have to spend more time sometimes to meet her needs. Naturally this takes away from the other child. So she doesn't get the time that she really desires. She doesn't complain and sacrifices so much. I admire her really. I would probably be the kid stomping my foot demanding the attention I should get.

Today I felt like a complete failure again. We cried together. Yet there is nothing we can do to change this. Today we started counseling so maybe we will figure something out to help. Then we feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place because these behaviors cannot be helped. Yet I feel drained completely.

Lately we have had late nights. My sweet baby girl is having such a hard time falling asleep. When it rains or the wind blows or she has heard word of snow she cannot sleep. We are tired. We want her to be okay. Yet there is nothing we can do about it. Nothing. Now that is humbling. So where do we go from here?

This is where the temptations come in:
~I have been tempted to feel like I did something wrong in pregnancy...Blaming myself
~I have been tempted to be angry with God...He is saddened as well. He died because of sin. He loved us enough to die and raise again to defeat it. I should not be mad at Him.
~I have been tempted to blame God...There is no need to blame the potter who molded her into what she is. It is hard now but I know God has great plans. Just this tough spot is no reason to blame. The best is yet to come for all of us. He uses every bit of it. EVERY bit of it to shape us more like HIM.
~I have been tempted to just quit...My kids need me there is not quitting. That is completely selfish.

So I turn to the TRUTH. Never my feelings. Feelings are shallow. They can lead you into wrong thinking. They need to be redirected toward the truth. So this is what we do. We soak our minds into the Word of truth and pour out our hearts to the only one who can really help and heal. To our Father, the God of the universe who hears and loves us completely. Who heals and helps. Who is all we need. Truly.

"Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior." ~Psalm 27:9

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” ~Deuteronomy 31:8


Beams of Light Ministries said...

May I just encourage you tonight with these words "YOU are a wonderful mother". From my heart to yours.

Mining for Diamonds said...

Thank you for the blessing of being real and sharing your heart and your mother's journey. It is a difficult road to walk sometimes! I have an only child, and she is beautiful and wonderful, and quite a handful. No formal diagnoses, but she definitely has her "quirks" that can be quite draining for me. So I know that feeling of feeling like a failure. I've said and done things that I am not proud of, and have even had resentment and bitterness in my heart towards this sweet, precious child. And she keeps on loving me anyway. God gives us these children to do a deep work in us, and it can be hard. You are a great mom! If you weren't, you would not be experiencing these feelings and desiring so much of the Lord in your parenting. I pray that God will give you wisdom.

With regard to sleep, I'll tell you my little secret. My daughter has a hard time going to sleep sometimes, especially if she is super wound up. You can get something from GNC called Melatonin, it is a synthetic version of a natural substance that our bodies make to help us sleep. At GNC, you can get cherry flavored in 1mg tablets. When my daughter is having an especially hard time falling asleep, or if I need to regulate her after her schedule gets off, I give her 1mg of melatonin (we call it sleeping candy) and it really helps a lot. Within 30 minutes she is ready to fall asleep. It has done wonders for her. She has never needed tons of sleep, even as a baby. When she does sleep, she sleeps well, but she can get really wound up sometimes and the melatonin helps calm her down enough to fall asleep. I don't use it every night, and of course you'll want to pray about it and see if you have peace about it. I also love Rescue Remedy, it is a calming flower essence you can also get at GNC,made by Bach Flower Essences. It's great at calming and instant stress relief, and safe for adults, children and even pets.

(((Hugs))) to you on this amazing journey! God is with you!

Joyce said...

Angela, I'm Joyce on Dee's blog. I also blamed myself for years, that I might have done something wrong during my pregnancy with Kendra. But I didn' was God's will. She is going to be 24 on Valentine's day and she lives with us and she is our love and joy. She has Cerebral Palsy with siezures and mentally delayed (like a 5 yr. old) and a speech disorder. My husband left us (myself and three little ones) when she was born. I remarried 4 yrs later and he is the most wonderful daddy to Kendra. Her real father wants nothing to do with her. I am so blessed. It was all in God's plan.

Angela @ Refresh My Soul Blog said...

Thanks all for your encouragement and helping not feel as weird. :) Love to you all and praying for you all.

Kathy said...

Angela, you're a WONDERFUL mother, and even more, a beloved daughter of the One who has a purpose. I know the daily grind it hard, but you ARE a champion. Hang in there, Love.

Kathy said...

Angela, you're a wonderful mother and even more so, a precious daughter of the One who has a purpose. I know the daily walk is hard but you're a CHAMPION in Him. Hang in there, Love.

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