Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A Raw Post for a Raw Day
Today has been a rough day and I need to tell you I have been tempted in some rough ways. I feel like a complete failure as a mother. Working with a special needs child can sometimes be especially demanding, especially if no one else can see it clearly. You see with Aspergers there is not much time for a break. These children are highly social so they have many words and many questions, yet misunderstand so many social cues. This is a great source of sibling strife.
Seeing that my child needed much more today I spent more time with her. This is typical really. I just have to spend more time sometimes to meet her needs. Naturally this takes away from the other child. So she doesn't get the time that she really desires. She doesn't complain and sacrifices so much. I admire her really. I would probably be the kid stomping my foot demanding the attention I should get.
Today I felt like a complete failure again. We cried together. Yet there is nothing we can do to change this. Today we started counseling so maybe we will figure something out to help. Then we feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place because these behaviors cannot be helped. Yet I feel drained completely.
Lately we have had late nights. My sweet baby girl is having such a hard time falling asleep. When it rains or the wind blows or she has heard word of snow she cannot sleep. We are tired. We want her to be okay. Yet there is nothing we can do about it. Nothing. Now that is humbling. So where do we go from here?
This is where the temptations come in:
~I have been tempted to feel like I did something wrong in pregnancy...Blaming myself
~I have been tempted to be angry with God...He is saddened as well. He died because of sin. He loved us enough to die and raise again to defeat it. I should not be mad at Him.
~I have been tempted to blame God...There is no need to blame the potter who molded her into what she is. It is hard now but I know God has great plans. Just this tough spot is no reason to blame. The best is yet to come for all of us. He uses every bit of it. EVERY bit of it to shape us more like HIM.
~I have been tempted to just quit...My kids need me there is not quitting. That is completely selfish.
So I turn to the TRUTH. Never my feelings. Feelings are shallow. They can lead you into wrong thinking. They need to be redirected toward the truth. So this is what we do. We soak our minds into the Word of truth and pour out our hearts to the only one who can really help and heal. To our Father, the God of the universe who hears and loves us completely. Who heals and helps. Who is all we need. Truly.
"Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, God my Savior." ~Psalm 27:9
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” ~Deuteronomy 31:8