Exposed

Today I was exposed. I was exposed of something I despise. My weakness. It is not like I try to hide it so much, I am open about it if I am asked about it. I just like to live like it really does not exist. Like it is not really there.

If we are all honest with ourselves I suppose many of us live that way. There is a thing in our lives that we do not want to be known for. Something we are not proud of. That thing that we do not want to be labeled.

Well, mine is and forever will be physical weakness. My body is weird and I could be on mystery diagnosis lots of episodes. No, I am not a hypochondriac. It is just part of how God made me. That is unless the Lord decides to do something otherwise with it, which I pray for everyday. Yet so far His answer has been no. I am fearfully and wonderfully made regardless.

We are at a new place now with new people. It is very hard for me to make friends because I am not a person who finds common conversation easy. I am the one who would rather sit quietly and listen to God and pray for each person in my eye sight. I am very fine with that except God is showing me that we are made for community. I need to make new friends. And this is struggle for me.

Talk to me about what God is doing in your life or ask me what He is doing in mine. Talk to me about the deeper issues of life and I am good. Yet, the surface stuff is what I am horrible at. It makes me completely awkward in making new friendships and makes me look a little snobby. Not only is this hard enough but then the thing I despise in my life shows up already, I do not want to be labeled it. I am not that. I am a child of the Most High God and a child of the light.

So I am exposing my ongoing struggle to the light. I struggle most daily with my health in someway or another. Some problems doctors figure out and some they do not. I have seen so many miracles in my body that I cannot even count them any longer. I know very personally that God is the God who Heals. He has a dozen or more times to me alone. Yet, these mysteries of weakness and weirdness persist. There is nothing that anyone can do about it but God Himself. So, far He chooses not to take it away completely.

As much pain it causes me and my family, we still chose to trust Him. He has a purpose. He is my King and Lord. It is Him I follow. I only pray it keeps me completely dependant on Him and makes me look more and more like Him as my true heart is exposed.

Today was a day of many tears. My stupid pride is there wanting to portray me as someone normal. I am not that. I never will be. Please do not judge me either if you are one who thinks that I just don't have enough faith or too much sin in my life for God to do anything. That is not how God works. I cannot name and claim anything. God is not my genie He is my LORD and Master. He does and allows what is best for me. I am not arrogant enough to decide what is best for me that is His job. Believe me I have more faith than I ever thought I would to even survive this far. As far as sin goes, I have looked under every rock and crevice. Everything exposed has been confessed. God has covered me with His blood therefore I am clean of all things past, present, and future.

I am just a girl at the mercy of a loving God. If my life best suites His glory in this way then so be it. I have never had nor ever will be loved the way I am with Him. I suppose I would not know some of that if it wasn't for the fire we have had to walk through together hand in hand quite often. And having been through stuff we have grown in love so deep together. His has always been there but mine is growing to match what He has for me until I get to be with Him forever in our Home.

So if you find yourself in my boat. Please be encouraged. These trials are temporary. There is a great glory to come. And it is great evidence of the great love that God has for you. He will never leave you or forsake you my friend, no matter what. Nothing can snatch you out of His loving hand-NOTHING.