The Day My Heart Broke-One of My Greatest Hurts

I was hurt. Really hurt. I did not realize something so small could have crushed me in such a big way. We were returning from our annual retreat several years ago with our college group. We were being transferred in a school bus. On the way back we lose the air conditioning.

I find myself holding a child who has contracted hand, foot, and mouth disease that is feverish. The other child is sweating profusely. Students in the back are very hot, especially the ones sitting over the engine. We were in a very tense situation ourselves.

In the back of the bus grumbling started to rise up. You need to know that at the retreat, God did such great things in each person’s life. There was a new unity and new commitments to follow hard after Christ.

Now it seemed as what ground we had gained was slipping fast. Something within me stirred so strong. I jumped up to my feet and said, “NO! We are not going out like this! We are going to pray over this air conditioner and we are not going to complain. The enemy will not steal the ground that we gained while we were away. He will not have it!” I proceeded to tell them to lay hands on this air conditioner. I prayed a come back Jesus sort of prayer over this thing and I knew it would start right back up. After all God had always seemed to answer most of my prayers the way I prayed.

This not what happened.

I told the students to start singing praise songs to God. They started playing and singing. I took back my seat and wept. I think I wept for several hours. The air did not start working again. Why did God not answer this prayer? What will the students think of me? Most importantly, what will they think of God? Did I hear Him right? It was not my normal practice to pray over air conditioners. Did I let Him down somehow? Did I pray wrong?

I could not understand why God left me hanging out there like that. It took me months to recover from this moment. I am not sure why it took so long but it devastated me. It hurt my relationship with the One who I trusted so much.

God keeps reminding me not to worry about it. He keeps reminding me that I have no idea what He did in that instance. I just needed to trust.

God hears all our prayers. I believe He answers each one too. Maybe the answer was no that time. Maybe it was wait. I have no clue what God is doing in the lives of the others who experienced it.

I will tell you what I do know now.

I do not have a time in my life that I can remember not talking to God. Though no one really explained it to me it seemed to be a very natural thing. When hurts came my way God would draw me away to a quiet place and I would pour my heart out to Him. It was natural. It was a gift.

With that gift I had become spoiled. I have seen so many prayers answered the way I prayed them. It was a blessing. People started recognizing me as the "prayer warrior." The one they wanted praying about the big stuff. It was nice to be recognized. Although I did not intend for this to happen, deep down pride started building up in my heart. I started to trust in the blessings and provisions of God more than God Himself. Something had to be done. God had to teach me and draw me back to Him alone.
This was my too late submission to Pray Mag due to procrastination.

So, stirred by the Holy Spirit and with faith that could move mountains, I prayed that bus prayer. I was a fool in front of the entire bus because God said no that day. A crush to my pride had occurred.
God was not done yet. He had bigger and better things in store. Through this process of healing my hurt, He has deepened my walk with Him as I have learned to trust Him more. He has deepened our relationship and is teaching me to be a better prayer warrior. I am learning to trust His ways no matter what because even when I do not understand His ways are best.

On this side of the healing of my hurt. He has taught me how to pour out my heart like David. He has never ceased to be faithful.

I know can say I fully trust God as God not as anything else. May we will love Him just because of who He is not because of what He can do for us.

Copyright 2009 Refresh My Soul Ministries, Angela Parsley