I have been living in a lot of pain lately. Health has always been a struggle of mine for about half of my life now. The problem is that the professionals cannot seem to give me a certain answer for what is really going on. Often tests come back stating "normal." Yet the pain persists. the weird symptoms still occur limiting my ability to live and do everything I want to do, things that "normal" people can do.
But the pain in these past few months has been tear inducing. And I have no idea why. I have my theories of course and so do the professionals, however, as we wait for other things to happen or show up, my body rebels. It attacks itself. It produces great pain.
When people see this, they want to fix it. I think this is a natural tendency. We don't want to see people in pain, and really, if you see me you would probably never know because I do try to hide it if I can. There is no point focusing on it. I need no help with the temptation of self-pity. Yet also I am tired of people recommending the next big fad of health curing alternatives which cost lots of money and have no real guarantee. You see, after half my life of searching and trying to figure it out, I have just had to resign to the fact that some things cannot be figured out. Some things cannot be cured. I have decided not to expend anymore income on it. We are in enough debt already that we are faithfully trying to pay off.
It reminds me of a woman in the Bible. A woman who was desperate. A woman who spent all her money on trying to find a cure. A woman talking to the professionals. A woman broken, alone, desperate for a cure. A woman who reasoned that if she just could touch this Jesus she was hearing about, if she could just touch him, she would be well. And it worked! He healed her. What she wanted to do in secret and discretely he singled out to the crowd. He addressed her as daughter. I find this beautiful. You can read about it in Matthew 9, Mark 5, and Luke 8.
As I read, I could only think about her desperate attempt to reach out and touch him. Yet now, after the resurrection, I don't have to reach out to touch Him. He came down to us, to me. He has reached down and touched me. He was resurrected from the dead to beat sin, sickness, and death. Because I live in the in between of the already but not yet period of time, I can be encouraged by this story because it foreshadows the final, once for all healing that will come upon His return.
He has healed my soul and I can truly say all is well. My body may fail me but my Spirit is strong. When I am weak, He is strong. My goal is not to be healthy and healed though I wish I was and He surely can do that but instead my goal is to rest in His reach because He reached down to me. He holds me close. He reassures me that He is coming back. He helps me know I can trust Him even in this plan of pain. I know that this temporary trial is producing a greater weight of glory and it will be worth it though at the present I do not understand. I don't have to understand because He is God and He is good, that is all I need to know.
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