God desires complete honesty with us. He hated the pretense of the Pharisees. That was the one thing He continually called out in front of others. I desire to be authentic in all I do. I desire to be completely honest with Him. Also in turn I want to be completely honest with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Lately I have been struggling. It is my heart. It is filled with ugly. I have been reminded from listening to Dee Brestin on Moody Radio of this and my journey through the Psalms. I think I just have been stuck. I have not wanted to really deal with the hard things that life has dealt me recently. So I sit in denial.
God and I discuss many things but I hold these things back. I pretend they are not there. This is not healthy and hurts our relationship. He never forces me. He is gentle. But now I need to confess. I hate that I have to continually deal with migraines and pain. I hate that I struggle with fear that my daughter will never be okay to live on her own one day. I hate that these things limit us from many things I would like us to do. I hate that I don't deal well with my oldest daughter in the struggle of having a sister who is different. I hate that I treat my husband poorly because I want to take it out on someone. These things are all wrong.
Oh Lord save me and rescue me. I have this big ball of yuck and my only chance for freedom from the engulfing chains are your mercy and grace. Lord save me from myself. Help me accept the things that are hard with trust. Help me to give them to you in your care for me and remember I am not alone. Help me to be honest. I am beaten and bruised by the enemies lies and the lies I tell myself. I want to be whole. I want to be real. I want all of YOU and nothing more. Hold my heart secure in this position of wholeness. Oh Lord to behold You is the most beautiful thing. This is all I want. This is how I am prepared to walk this hard road with trust. You are my strength, rock and shield. You are my guide and my front and rear guard. You hold me securely in your right hand. Thank you.