When You Secretly Wish You Could Run

***Not sure who to credit with this photo. It was going around Facebook today...

Sometimes when I see people running and training for things, it makes my heart sad. I really want to rejoice with them and for them and I do, but the consequence of it is seeing my own deficiency. It really should not be a big deal yet I fight back tears every. single. time.

I used to be an athlete. I used to be a competitive dancer and runner. I used to be in great shape and I loved every step that came with dance. I loved how I felt like I could fly. I also especially loved running when I was angry. There is something about the thrill of hashing out problems in your mind while your feet crush the pavement below that is exhilarating. Especially on black asphalt, that is the best. The sound and smell of it even now delights my soul.

However, that is of the past; At least for now. I know God can heal but sometimes He chooses not to. That is my reality. It is okay most days. I can walk along and live my life to the very fullest capacity. I can walk my race toward Him boldly and confidently but then I look around and I stumble some because there are so many runners. These runners are fast and in great shape. They have the strength of Samson, I often feel like Job in the dust, sitting feeling like I have nothing to offer.

But it is not true, I am not sitting, I am walking, sometimes I get a burst of strength to run, sometimes I crawl. Often I crawl. I will fight with all of my strength to move toward Him. I am on a journey home. My body, just like yours, is meant to die on the Earth. It will give out one day. No one lives here forever but in Heaven our bodies will be amazing! I cannot wait! Yet it spurns an urgency in my heart because too many people are running but not knowing where they are going. Too many are seeking gifts but not the Giver. Too many people are lost with out a Savior. As I sit, I pray.

In whatever strength He gives you, serve. Serve well, love well. Don't forget to help the weak. Don't make them feel in the way or like a dead weight. Don't make them feel less because God has not healed them. Love them. Learn from them. We are all on this journey together. All we get is a blip of time to live well for Him.

Because of the invisible illness I live with is so controversial, it is not certain how it will turn out. Doctors cannot even agree on it. I am only one of many living with Chronic Lyme Disease. However, many would say that Chronic Lyme does not even exist. That statement alone makes it hurt even worse. The manifestation of my Lyme mimics MS for me and as I write, scary things are happening to my body. They do randomly and without warning. But I refuse to live in fear! God is the remover of my fear. I will trudge on and will serve in the strength that He has given me.

Runners, do not take the ability to run free for granted because at any moment you could lose it. Health is not a guaranteed gift. Weakness is not either, as soon as weakness comes it can lift. Either stage God allows you in, live it to the fullest for Him. He is the goal. He is all that matters. Use each stage to be mindful of Him.

In weakness praise Him for being your strength. In strength praise Him for the gift. Don't take anything for granted. Run, walk or crawl your race but by all means keep going! Press through the pain. It is worth it! I promise. Maybe one day crawling will look as cool as running. You never know.

Invisible Illness in the Church

Here we are again on another Sunday morning. I am typing this through much trouble. As I type, I battle a backwards E shaped disco ball shining object in my field of vision. Sound strange? Not for me. Sometimes it is too much but at other times I have learned to compensate. What I am experiencing is a migraine aura. If you get them you understand, otherwise it is hard to comprehend entirely.

Prior to this visual field disruption, which I need to leave me before I can drive us to church, I am struggling with the pain from the air that surrounds me. I am feeling like it is pressing down on me and squeezing me. Almost like a million minuscule paper cuts at one time. I am having to keep all of my skin covered today, except my face, which will help with that some.

Add the pressure of sinus pain in and then that pretty sums up my morning. It is only 8:10am. Who knows what the rest of the day holds! I don't write this to make you feel sorry for me or to even complain. I am so thankful to be reminded often that I was not made for this world. My eternity is in Heaven and oh how joyous it will be to see Him face to face and shed this skin!

I write this because there are many around you suffering from invisible illnesses. We are not usually the type who complain much or even talk about it much. It is sadly part of our lives. We pray for it to leave us but until He takes it away we are stuck here. We are people with MS, Lyme, ALS, Autism, migraine, Lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, mental illness, and many other illnesses.

The frustration with these illnesses is that they are randomly activated. No one can know for certain when they will just decide to show themselves. Then when they do no one around you really knows it is happening or understands it. So when I do not reach out to shake your hand or cringe at the hug you may try to give me please understand I do desire to respond kindly but it hurts to bad today.

What can you do? Just respond kindly when someone refuses. Know people are struggling with different things and it is not against you or even about you. Ask those you know who deal with invisible illness how they have been feeling because they will not usually say unless asked. They just accept it is part of them and know this world despises weakness so they learn to not talk about it. See how you can help them.

If you struggle with invisible illness, know God sees you! He knows the great sacrifice you make when you do the things you do like going to church when you are suffering physically or mentally. This is my go to verse:

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9.

It is clear to me in this condition that anything I do is in His strength. I have none. He amazes me when He carries me in this way. Also, give yourself permission to rest. It is ok when you just stay home and rest. God knows your heart and sacrifice even when others may not.

You Worth is More Than Your Strength or Lack of. A Word for the Chronically Weak

Something happened to me a very long time ago that would forever change my health. I was bitten by a tick that was infected with harmful bacteria. My body could not fight it and to this day I feel the consequences it has taken on my immune system. This was not of my doing or anything that I could help. It is one of those things that just happen. Yet I believe that God is sovereign over all things so this thing that forever changed my life will work out for my good. I see this continually because I struggle often with it.

When you are a weaker person in general there are many feelings that accompany it. Since our society is very independent and values strength it is easy for others to just cut you off. I see this with myself and I often observe it when I see people with apparent disabilities. People want to just turn their heads and not see the weak. People discount you as worthless or invisible. Even if no one is saying this to you, as the chronic sufferer, you may be tempted to feel this way. Yet it is not true or how God sees you.

I am a mom of three and a wife. A mom is suppose to be able to do anything her kids need, keep the family fed, manage the house, keep things clean, keep up with the laundry, and etc. These things I cannot keep up with when I am down. I just cannot and I must accept this. It makes me feel like a drain on my family because I want to serve instead of having them serve me. I think it is easier to serve because receiving service is a very humbling experience. It goes against our society of strength and independence.

When I am tempted to think I am worthless or a drain on others or just taking up space with no apparent purpose I must remember what God has to say about me and weakness. After all none of what you are going through could happen unless first filtered through His hands of love. He is a loving and good Father who never leaves us for forsakes us. We must take those thoughts of hopelessness and take them captive making them obedient to His word of truth!

In fact despite the worlds special care and attention to those who are strong, God gives special favor to the opposite. He cares deeply for the weak. He is truth so renew your mind with these things.

"He has pity on the weak and the needy, and saves the lives of the needy" Psalm 72:13.

"The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust." Psalm 103:13-14.

"He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever" Psalm 136:23.
"Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:28-29.

"He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged." Isaiah 42:3.
"In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary." 1 Corinthians 12:22.

"Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength." 1 Corinthians 15:43.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong" 2 Corinthians 12:8-10.

"Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone" 1 Thessalonians 5:14.

These are only a few of the Scriptures that speak of weakness. Most of the Bible is painted about God coming to the rescue of the weak. God used the weak in mightier ways than others! He uses the weak things of this world! God takes great care of the weak. He loves all creation. He values all life big or small. He loves you completely even in your weakness. He became weak like us by putting on flesh and becoming like us in the person of Jesus Christ. He can sympathize with our weaknesses. He came and died freeing us from sins grip on us. And through the weak, He can shine strong because the weak know how to get out of His way. The weak know how to surrender. The weak have a unique way to relate to Him in His sufferings. So do not discount your season of weakness. It is just as important as your seasons of strength. God will use them all as you stay submitted to HIM. Rest in Him and His love. Let Him wash the truth of His word over you!

Top Ten Read Posts of 2012 at Refresh My Soul

This was such a fun look back at 2012. Though incredibly hard, God has been there all along. We have seen him us the weak in strong ways, been humbled, and in awe of His mighty grace and mercy.

Here are the top ten:

1- Hope for Christians Struggling with Depression
This vulnerable post has really surprised me. It is by far the top post this year. It saddens my heart that many out there are struggling with this issue. But there is hope in Christ.

2- Family Discipleship Plan Review From Precept Ministries
This post is humbling because many visiting the Precept Ministries website are viewing this review. I love Precept so much! Any of their resources will be wonderful for you to have and will grow you in HIM.

3- 30 Day Sibling Challenge - Day One
I sent many of these resources out but have not heard a thing about how it worked out. I am blessed beyond measure that so many people read this and I hope it helped with peace in their homes. This series is what I entered into the writing contest I entered for a publishing contract. If it does not win I will list it on Amazon for kindle with the others.

4- Our New Family Dynamic - Quickly Entering the World of Boys
This has changed our life! Enough said.

5- Reasons to See Magic Mike
This one is surprising to see so many hits! Probably the title grab! As you know I would not approve this film, just wrote it from the negative perspective.

6-The House Fire of 2012
Another life changing and challenging event.

7- Psalm 119 - Week One
Again another Bible study that got many reads! I love that this ministry can help others grow in the word. I will be doing more of these next year Lord willing and I will be posting the last of Psalm 119 very soon.

8- In a Month Your Life Can Drastically Change - Meeting Little Man
I love this time when we met him! Butterflies is what I remember. Oh this precious boy!

9- Adoption - Not Completely
If you ever have been a custodian of a child or a foster parent you will understand this.

10- Fear of Transitions - Learning to be Content in All Things
I typed this on 1/3/12 only a few days before I would find out that this little man would need a home! Gives me goose bumps now! God knew what He was doing and what strength I would need to be there for little man. Oh what joy to see the great things He has done! All glory to HIM!

The Grace of Lyme Disease

The most beautiful gift God has given me came in the form of Lyme disease. I know that statement is strange, but it is true. I am thankful for my husband and my children. I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for so many blessings He has poured forth upon me and my life but something had to change.

I was so very self-focused. Whatever I did I slapped God onto it but He was not the center, I was. I was ready for ministry. I thought I had it all together. God placed in my heart a strong desire to help the hurting, yet what did I actually know about that? Up to the point of chronic illness I had been through some hard things but not anything too authentically hard to understand those deeply suffering.

In turn when I started to get sick and decline unknowing what actually was wrong with my body I started to hear things from the professionals, "it is all in your head, you are fine." "Maybe you should see a psychiatrist." Yeah maybe after all the unbelief these supposed professionals spewed at me through unedifying words.

Then the "Christian" comforters like the friends of Job rose up and said things like, "Well you just do not have enough faith." or "There must be some sort of sin in your life that is causing this." These comments probably hurt more than those of the professionals. I did not expect much of the paid people who were suppose to help me however these other people were my spiritual family and supposed friends.

People need not speak into things they do not know.

I was devastated, It was only days or weeks before that I caught a passion in my heart that desired God above all other things. I prayed, "God please do whatever it takes to make me more like Jesus, to make me what you want me even if it comes to death, let Angela die and YOU live." I was whole heartedly serious.

When you pray prayers that are sincere like that He hears. He spurns our hearts in the first place. He now was coming tenderly and fiercely at the same time. I was wooed and cut all at the same time. A strange thing indeed but a precious time. I would not trade this for the world.

It was only here in this desperate place that I came to understand I needed to know what God really said about illness and faith. Again, I was trying to be the center wondering what I could have done or why my faith was weak because I just prayed this prayer? I was not even seeing it was about Him being strong. About Him using these circumstances to mold and shape me more like Him.

Less of me more of HIM.

Prayer being answered but the people around had no idea. They spoke what they did not know. They needed to be in the word and studying it for themselves. Not listening to what others say or speculate. KNOWING and STUDYING the word for yourself is what makes all the difference and makes your theology sound.

The  gift God gave me in Lyme was inviting me to understand who He really is. How He loves me so much that He died for me and my sins. How I was indeed a depraved sinner of the worst kind yet He chose me and counted me lovely, even to the point of sharing in His suffering.

Can He heal? YES HE CAN! I thought at one point I was fully healed yet He has allowed this disease to linger longer still. Was I angry? YES I WAS! Yet again it was about me being the center not HIM. If we want to bring Him supreme glory and experience the most joy we must trust His plan. What the enemy may want to use to destroy us, He is actually using for our good and His glory.

So are you suffering now? What is your center? What is the important end result? Your healing or His glory? You being well or being more like Him? My prayer is we will become a people who are not afraid to experience all the fullness of Him as He molds and shapes us in whatever means He allows as a vehicle to do this. Oh how I hope we will wake up to His goodness and kindness to us.

In a Month Your Life Can Drastically Change - Meeting Little Man

One month ago today we met our little man for the first time. When my friend Kara asked me to find families for these boys my heart was struck. I knew it was something we had to consider or pray about. It was so strange because a month prior to this she asked me if we would consider it and I said, "There is no way, I am sick with Lyme now and cannot even think about this."

This time however I was now well. She did not know this and was not considering us this time. But I knew. So I talked to my husband and we started praying. His thought was, I am not going to turn away any kid in need. It is what we are suppose to do. My thought was, Once I meet him I will know.

Well, on the 8th of January one day before his birthday we met him and fell in love. He is an absolutely amazing little guy. I knew in that short time he would fit very well into our family. With his little unique qualities I could see how perfect he would blend. The girls were excited too.

Off to court we went and in a whirlwind, two court dates, a home study, collecting boy stuff, putting together a room, and baby proofing. I cannot believe it has been a month! And now our lives will never be the same. We are all better for knowing him and bringing him into our family.

Heart ache has been very real too because things keep coming up about his family, more things that need to be worked on for them to be stable. I struggle emotionally because I want to see them fight for their sweet kids. I cannot imagine not pulling my life together for this little guy. Please pray for them. Whether we end up having him for the long run or he gets to go back to them, either way a child wants their biological family to be ok. Especially if they get to see them on a regular basis. I know this and watching at this point is heart breaking.

But in the meantime we take one day at a time. I am blessed over and over by him. I can see God's hand all over this guy. I cannot wait to see the plans he has for him. Where people hear his story we get to share Christ. It is a great witness for His glory. God amazes me so. Knowing just three months ago this guy was homeless, now he is overflowing with clothes, toys, food, and shelter. That is the amazing work of God, Jehovah - Jireh who provides. I am so thankful I get to have a front row seat. May He be praised!

God's Hand in our Journey of Opening our Home

This whole journey we are on with this little guy is surreal. It has happened so fast and all along I have seen God's hand. God cares for the little children. He uses them as examples to teach us, He wants to spend time with them, God assigns angels to look directly after them. I think this is all significant. Children are a blessing we are told all through out the Bible. I see God's hand on this little guy.

First, I see him being protected. God has provided a safe stable home for him. I am thankful to be part of his story.

Second, I got well just a few weeks before we started praying about helping this little guy. I mean supernaturally well. Lyme disease is so tricky and this is the second time God just miraculously took it away from me.

Third, At court before we even met the parents we were given a court date for permanent custody. Before a "home study". We did not even go into the court room. They did not need us in there. This is the part that is supernatural. This is unheard of. I worked for several years in the juvenile court system. I have not seen this kind of thing happen and this fast.

Fourth, As we left the courthouse God produced the most magnificent full bow of a rainbow across the highway. It was a frigid, flurry like, dark cloudy day. This rainbow was a sign I will never forget. The Lord is my Banner. He is pleased with this whole situation.

Fifth, Little man has adjusted so very well. This is a miracle in itself. Often there are attachment issues that come in these situations. Yet he has attached supernaturally well. This is only by the hand of God.

Sixth, God is exposing in my own heart how selfish I am. This is coming to the surface. I now have all special needs children. Working with an emotionally sensitive gifted child, asperger child, and speech delayed/at risk child seems overwhelming but God has given me supernatural strength and peace. It is really a joy in my heart to teach them all at the places they have needs. Yet at times I want to escape! God is allowing me to run to Him. He is providing insight and strength. He must be my wisdom and strength in this.

Seventh, I did not think I could love someone the way I do this child because I did not birth him but God is providing supernatural love. I am amazed at how full my heart is in this.

Eighth, My children are displaying such fruit of the Spirit as we adjust to a little man in our home who likes to get into everything. He had no boundaries so it is a slow process of teaching. But their hearts are like gold in it. I see evidence of their walking in the Spirit. It is a blessing to this mother's heart. In fact in all honesty I am seeing my entire family surpass me in faith and maturity.

Overall this story God is writing in our lives at this time is amazing because it is not of our doing but the work of God. I love seeing His hand all over things. I yearn for it and I am so blessed to be able to see it so clearly at this time. That is grace.

Fear of Transitions - Learning to be Content in All Things

It is really strange to type this now but I am feeling a bit afraid because I seem to be phasing out of my health battle. I fought it so fiercely when it appeared again but now that I have learned to embrace it and trust God through it coming of out if is now frightening.

Why? First I think partly it is because I have now become comfortable with what is going on. I have surrendered it to the Lord. I am okay at the place He has had me in. It is a place that I am so often forced to return too with no prior warning.

Yet at this moment it is seeming to lift again. I feel like I can breathe and feel some light at the end of this thing. Maybe it is in my head but the last few days I have felt much stronger than I have in a long time. This is so good and what I longed for and prayed for but now that it is becoming reality I am unsure.

Second, it hurts to get your hopes up to only fall back in soon. Yet I am learning to take each day as a gift the strong days and weak days. Both are a gift. God is so good either way. He is always sustaining us.

Third, I fear moving out of this constant struggle will give me freedom to wander. I pray He binds my heart to Himself so I will stay close. Prosperity is a big test and harder than being in great need. I see my desperation and know my great need. I never want to forget that.

Fourth, this time in this weakness has really birthed a passion in me for those who are in my situation. I want to help others understand how to best minister to us and in my strength minister to them.

Fifth, this phase if I am truly coming out of it takes more discipline because it means I now need to condition my body little by little again in better health by working out.

No matter, what I do know that like Paul, God is teaching me to be content in all circumstances. This Lyme may remain in my body and pull me back down or flare up again but for now I am receiving some healing again and I cannot worry about what tomorrow will bring. I know that now things are looking up.

Paul went through so many crazy life events but he knew God was training Him in contentment in them. So I must trust the same. I have not been through all Paul has been through but there are other thorns as well that will work to keep me humble. Thorns that may or may not be removed though I plead continually for them to be. I must walk, trust, and be content. Our Father only allows what is for our good and His glory in the end. I trust that.

Now, I will continue on this health course I am on. I think these naturals antibiotics and supplements and better eating has contributed greatly to what is happening. All things God uses. I like this biotic silver a lot. I have a week left on it. So we will see what happens. No matter what my hope is in Him not health. For I know my "normal" in this area will be variable and not like anyone else.


^"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."~Philippians 4:11-12

New Natural Colloidial Silver 30ppm for Lyme

Now I am done with the Oil of Oregano. I am so happy to say that for now. I know I have felt bad. That may be a good thing because feeling bad is a good thing with Lyme. It means that those horrible bacteria are being killed off. Not sure how much progress I have made.

I know that my eating has a big part of it as well. And supplements. We went to a Mexican restaurant, my oldest daughters favorite. We got the cheese dip like we always do but I did not eat it. My husband said, is this bad? Do you feel really bad you are not eating this? Are you tempted? Pondering if we should just not get it anymore. I appreciate that.

However, I told him I know how bad I feel when I eat certain things and it is not worth that. I told him I look at it like ingesting poison. It is simply not worth it. I am finding the things I can eat and sticking with them. We don't live to eat after all we eat to live. That has been helping my perspective. I think my body is healing slowly.

I am surprised though because I was losing weight but it has come to a stand still it seems. I know I need to lose more but it is stagnant. Probably because of my lack of exercise but I am not there yet. I can do simple stretches. Just walking from my car to get inside a place is enough exercise for me now. My body cannot take anymore.

This phase of my plan on building my immune system is requiring more rest for me. I am not doing as well with that yet but I am trying to make it a habit. In your sleep is where your body really heals. I am trying to have less stress as well but here where there is constant misunderstanding it is hard. I am trying to let it roll off my shoulders. Mix up a group of people with invisible illnesses and communication problems among it then you are bound to get quarreling. We could use prayer there. We each see our weaknesses and are seeking God to help us fix them.

The silver sounds weird to me but I will start it soon and report how it works. It has no taste or smell so I am very ready for that. I know it at least will taste better. Anything has too. I will take 1tsp/3xday with a 10 oz. glass of water. I am giving my body a couple of days of rest before starting the next one though. 

Homeschooling and "Normal" - What is Normal Really?

Source: moldingmindshomeschool.blogspot.com via Angela on Pinterest

Another fun Pinterest find! I thought it would be fun to share these home school funnies today!

Homeschooling is such a blessing to us. Now that I am dealing with this chronic illness it looks differently than probably the typical home but we make it work. We love each other well, serve one another well, cuddle up and read and work on workbooks and lessons. The days when things are real rough we gather in the king size bed. The work is done, we are comfy, we are close. I worried about typing those words though. I think many people would be against me schooling now. Some have even asked if I would put them back in school because of my illness.

The answer would be if God directed us to then yes. Obviously if I was so bad that I could not teach and instruct my children I would have to do this. But I am not a vegetable. I have my teaching resources and curriculum and can still teach. It is not like the world system but we don't want to be like the world anyway. The children are in a secure and loving learning environment. I think those are good things. Plus they are learning to serve. Things I did not teach them well before this. Most importantly they are getting to see God up close and personal come through and shine in the situation that may seem desperate at times.

Sometimes we try to recreate "the institution of school" in our home school. Why? If that is the case then why are we doing it? So what if we cuddle in the bed and learn together? My children are bright, loving, compassionate kids who love well and consider other peoples needs. Not to get something back but because it is what they have experienced in this life. It is because they have experienced the gospel and because of that love they desire to serve the King. This is the end result we desire.

It is good. God provides. We will survive. It is just a temporary blip of time and things will go back to "normal" whatever that is. That is why I posted the cartoon. That is home schooling at its best! Learning is to be nurtured, fun, and comfortable. In love and at a pace that the individual child needs to really get it. I really know my children and listen to their needs. I can study them this way and meet them where they are at. To me for us there is no better way. Yet we will go where God directs. Each family has to do this. Let's not compare.

I Made a Huge Mistake - Lyme - Set Back

Just one choice can do it! A set back is like a blink of the eye. I just infused my body with poison called sugar but I did not know how bad it really was for me until now. So in a twisted way it is a victory. I know to never do it again because I never want to feel this way again.

My joints and muscles just ache all around. My brain is very foggy. I only had one packet. It was all because I wanted a cup of coffee sweetened. I thought I would not like it without it. This choice is causing a painful set back.

Yet these choices happen as you start to feel better, you test the waters. You think if I eat this it probably won't hurt me. Or if I just eat this then I will be okay. Just this once, etc. It is a bad thought process. What I have found to feel the best is to cut all sugar, dairy, or gluten. However, the biggest menaces to my body are white sugar, white flour, and dairy (from cheese and milk). Keeping it at that level is fine and I still feel better.

I however, am feeling a bit rebellious because it is Christmas and the "tradition" is to eat many sugary treats. Not sure why but that is what culture is like. I want to fit into the culture and eat this yummy junk. I just do. I suppose it will take a long while to change my attitude. However, I want to remember how I feel in this moment. That is enough to help me remember not to do it again.

Extreme Anxiety Does Not Help - What Does...

Source: printabledecor.net via Angela on Pinterest

This is my focus while I go to the dentist. I have etched it on my brain. The remedy over and over is thanksgiving and praise. That is how you get rid of this level of anxiety. I am not talking clinical depression but this kind I carry today. My points.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~1 Peter 1:7
I mean I really gotta hurl that anxiety and toss it so far away from me. It wants to have me and pull me under. It will if I don't get a handle on it.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.~Philippians 4:7-8
We are to take these things to God, every situation. We are to do it with thanksgiving. It is a discipline to find things to be thankful for in hard times especially in dealing with pain. But we must do it. The promise is we will have that deep rooted peace of God that no one can really understand. We may be falling apart but with peace of God. It is good testimony of His grace. God also as we give these things to Him guards our hearts and minds. So I continue to give it over and over to Him as much as is needed.

Then the next verse tells us what to think about:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ~Philippians 4:8
Run these kind of thoughts through your mind.

Also Hebrews 12:1-3 always helps me.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So this is how I get through the medical tests and pain! It is extreme mind discipline. And there are so many other Scriptures that God brings to mind as I process but it is necessary so the anxiety does not take over.

Truth is this area did not numb last time at the dentist. The suspicious area is close to the nerve. There is lots of pain now. Poking and prodding does not help that. The unknown is about to be known. What is under the suspicious area is about to be exposed. Who knows what. Yet I am in God's capable hands. Lyme disease can cause much decay and ruckus on all parts of the body. All organs and systems. I have No idea what to expect. I do hope it numbs as they work but if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. I am thankful they will find out. Then we will see what happens.

Either way I will think on these things of Philippians 4:8. Cast off anything that does not line up. Grieve what needs to be grieved and rest in the Father's arms whose love is more than I can even comprehend. Life with Lyme is an adventure. Sometimes I wish I was not on the pioneer end of it. 1000 years from now I am confident they will know what to do for it. Yet then again maybe Jesus would have come back and it won't really matter anyway. Lord, come quickly and help us to be a good witness in the meantime! Draw others to you through our lives.

A Happy Update About this Oil of Oregano and Lyme

Late last night I got an email from a precious saint and friend. She has decided to walk this with me after I asked her about these naturals. An answer to prayer because I have been afraid to do this alone. My body is extremely sensitive to medicines and herbs. Less is more for me. So going it alone was fearful. I cried out knowing if God gave us peace to do this natural route for round two He somehow would provide.

Well, I am going to call her Doc D. She emails me. This is her opening line, "Here is a plan of attack to eradicate the lyme from your body." She goes on with more but that opening line...Tears. Finally. Someone who is doing some research and helping. No she is not a doctor but has been doing this stuff with her family for many years. She knows it. And most importantly she cares and is a praying woman who follows hard after God. Someone to care. Someone to show Christ like love. This is a breath of fresh air. For I know it is an inconvenience to get into the mess of Lyme and study up on this stuff but she did. I am grateful.

There is answered prayer. A friend to walk it with with knowlege and who will war what I have no strength to do right now. Also she told me the better way to take this oil and this am I did it and it did not burn! I could barely taste it! GLORY!

Now, part of the research tells you to rub it on your spine and soles of feet. So I did that too this am. It is nice like a massage. However, my sweet aspie girl keeps saying I stink. Yes this stuff is powerful. Sorry honey. I know I do stink. Another question, Are you going to take a shower? Well honey not anytime soon, I need this to work okay. Another statement, well I am going to go (trying to leave the kitchen and get out of chores because of smell). No honey I will go away while you finish your chores. SIGH. Always something with this crew.

Hubs suggests I do my next round later today on toast. Hmm. Maybe I will try it that way. I have to do it 3x a day. The problem with the dilutedness and drinking it with 10oz of water is drinking that much water does upset my stomach. So pray I will keep it all down. So glad this is school-lite and we are about to be on break. So glad we started school during summer this year so we are already at our half way point. So thankful for many things. I can see God all over it.

The Lyme Journey Part Two

I decided since I am officially out of denial and on this road to recovery battling Lyme disease again I will record my journey in words. I must caution you. It will be raw. It will be honest. Sometimes you will not want to read but it will be truth. And above all else how I trust God in this. I believe He is in complete control of it. Fourteen years ago I got Lyme disease then was healed or atleast it went into remission now seven years after that I have had a flare up again. I am sure it is in my entire body. It does not stay in one place, it invades everything. It is even in my spinal fluid. Not cool.

For the time being my husband and I have prayed and decided to do natural anti-biotic treatment on this thing round two. Atleast for 6 months then we will reevaluate. I have been on Oil of Oregano for four day now. So far it is not fun at all. It takes incredibly strong and goes down your throat like a slow burn, think of a strong drink like Bourbon (yes have had it in my former days.) I have tried to mix it with several liquids but the taste is so strong and the burn is unavoidable. As it goes down after a few minutes my heart starts pounding kind of fast. Not sure what that is about and I wait. Sometimes it causes some increased pain in joints. Other times in my skin. My mouth burns some after as well. It is not a fun thing to take I will tell you but if it will kill this bacteria then I will do it. My round is going to be anywhere from 10 to 20 days we will see.

In the meantime, I have significantly cut my wheat/gluten, dairy, and sugar down from my diet. These things suppress the immune system. So it is important I rebuild mine so that my body can fight this. Also I am doing doses of vitamin C and Himalayan salt. Taking Zinc and various vitamins. Don't forget the probiotic. The increased fruits and veggies has really helped too. It just makes your body feel better. I think it is good for anyone really.

Now, I have no idea if this will work but this is the first round and we will see what happens. Currently my biggest problem is walking, pain in joints, all joints, teeth issues, jaw pain, swelling in knees, legs not working properly, brain fog, skin hurting. Think of the flu continually. This is day to day for me. Things that should not take much effort do. I hope to get to exercising but now it is not really that possible. I keep seeing a wheel chair in my future, but I don't think it will be truly. I have to face that fear which should not be one at all. Hubs says he will get me a real cool speedy one if it ever happened. He is so good to me. :)

I wanted to embed this but it would not let me so I am including a video for hope for lyme patients in TN. Our own Gov. B had to go out of state for treatment, sad huh? This is a great small victory for our state now if some docs would rise up and really learn and treat.



Sadly my youngest has aspergers syndrome and it can be linked to Lyme. Here is a story about it on Fox News http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/09/27/doctors-find-link-between-lyme-disease-autism/
I don't want to worry about them. I have two kids. Both birthed during my sickness. I did not know at the time what it was. It went into remission when I was pregnant. If they become symptomatic or we make our trip to my doctor in Missouri we will get them tested. The only Lyme literate lab is Igenix labs. The tests are $475 dollars each and are not covered under insurance. So that is a big cost. Lyme is very expensive for patients. It is a strain on families financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is a hard road we are on but it is in God we trust. It is Him we cling to and follow. We will go where He leads. I believe I am to surrender this time. I am too weak to fight. I need to do what I need to do and watch God work. He will fight for me, us. I hope the story has a happy ending. But who are we kidding? God stories do for to live is Christ (Happy ending) to die is gain (Happy ending).

I think for now the hardest part is living with people's misunderstandings. I want to be understood. I am not well though I may look it or may be out and about. I am truly dying inside. Today atleast, maybe in a few I will be well again. My hope though is in HIM. However He plays it out. All for His glory and our good. Yet I can't help but laugh because the evil one will think he has won. Any great sinister villain could use this disease that slowly kills a body inside. It is a good weapon of warfare. Slow torture. Slowly killing all you are, yet we are of a different breed. We are of a Heavenly Kingdom, this body is just a jar of clay, we have a new and resurrected body coming. No matter what we have won because we are HIS, we belong to the High King. The sinister villain can wreck some minor havoc but of it is temporary and minor compared to what we have to come. We are more than over comers in HIM.

A Good Story Involves Conflict - How to Develop a Good Character God's Way

From almost the moment of conception I have prayed that my girls would be women who would have gentle and quiet spirits from 1 Peter 3:4 and obedient hearts. Also that they would love the word of God more than life itself. Lofty prayers. But God loves us so much that He delights in these kind of prayers. He answers these kinds of prayers. These are the prayers that are His will and are according to His Scripture.

If He tells us, "Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God" (1 Peter 1:3-4). Then He means this. This is His desire for us. So this is a prayer that will be answered.

However, in our fast food, microwave it please culture I just assumed that my children would pop out of my womb with this quality. Yet that is not how character development happens. God is writing an amazing story through our lives. And the Holy Spirit must work this kind of meekness of spirit into us. It is not something we can do on our own. It takes training. We must receive this training but He works it. So how does He train us in meekness? As I was reading, "As Silver Refined" by Kay Arthur this paragraph really struck me about meekness.

It states, "Meekness is born in stress, in trials, in affliction, in conflict...in difficulties. Meekness is born in situations that humble you. This meekness that God so highly values in your life will show itself--prove itself--in oppression and pressure and disappointment. It is true for God's people Israel, and it's true for you and me."

Now that is a powerful statement. Meekness in our character is a process. My prayers are being answered through the difficulties we experience. My chronic illness gives my children a chance to humble themselves by having a weak mom when others do not. They are denied many activities others are not. We are dealing with special needs in our house with requires much more patience and understanding. I could go on and on about the opportunity for trials we experience daily. They are opportunity to develop beautiful young ladies answering my prayers.

Now obedience is also learned in a funny way. It is learned through suffering...Hebrews 5:8 states about Jesus, "Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered." Now if Jesus Himself humbled Himself completely and had to learn obedience this way why would be exempt? Look at your sufferings in whatever form as opportunities for a good story. Live your story well. Let your character develop fully into what God is making it into. He sees the end. And it is good. Very good. Don't pray what you are not serious about. You may just get what you asked for. But I can tell you I do not regret a thing. Developing in an exciting story as crazy as it is is worth it if we are becoming more and more like Him in the process. 

Lastly...As we suffer through trials it does drive us into the Word of God. It drives us into the Father's arms. So as we walk through these hard things a natural by product is cherishing and loving His word as we come to know and love HIM. Would love your thoughts on this. Has it changed your perspective?

The Problem With Pain - Imprisioned but Free

I have a love hate relationship with pain. When you are accustomed to living with it as a companion it seems to wear on you. It is like one of those guests that come and eat all your food, won't clean up after themselves and refuse to leave. You plead and beg for it to be taken away but nothing helps. You are stuck, forced companions. The problem is that it is what it is, painful. No one wants to live with that. You cannot live in separate sides of the house. You cannot take a break from one another. When there is no relief you are I say it again stuck.

Until the Great Healer decides otherwise to lift it. Stuck you are. So what do you do?

You have a decision. A choice. You can decide if it you let it make you better or worse. It is a choice. You cannot change your outward circumstances much of the time. It is like a prison sentence. You are locked inside without the key. However, you can respond in a way that will release you while you live behind the bars. Otherwise the whole process you are going through is in vain. God is using it to refine you and make you more like Him. You will emerge more beautiful through it if you let it do its work. That is IF. A choice. You must let it do its work.

God is weaving a great story in your life. An author knows that any great story worth reading has to have its conflicts. This pain is just one of those. There is a Rescuer and it is HIM. When characters go through pain they develop into stronger characters IF they are trained by it. IF.

Take a silly example, Phineas and Ferb's wanna be villain Dr. Doof. He had a bad childhood and was neglected by his parents. We could even use the word abused loosely here. His brother was openly favored by them while he was left to be the lawn gnome in the yard. As they grow his brother becomes major and poor Dr. Doof uses his time plotting to get back at the past. He doesn't let his pain make him better he chooses the path of revenge of taking things in his own hands. In the worlds eyes it may make him look strong but in reality he really is weak. Forgiveness would set him free.

Now look at a real example from the Bible. Acts 16 lets us peer into the life of Paul and Silas when they were thrown into prison for no wrong doing. They first were severely beaten and put in strong lockdown. Now talk about a prison of pain. Yet how do we see them responding? At midnight they are singing hymns and praying. Yes! They are looking to their Savior and Lord. And you know what He did? He shook the prison and broke the chains. Yet they did not run away instead they told the jailer about the Lord.  The jailers entire family all came to know HIM. They were God focused. They kept their eyes on their Savior and HIS power rested on them. He breaks chains in His due time to set us free in time that brings Him supreme glory. Their wounds were still fresh and stung. It still hurt but they were free. In the process we are being refined and made pure and more into His image.

Yet it is a choice. How will we respond to it? The villains of the times responded in the wrong ways. That is what made them evil. They chose the dark places. They refused to respond to God. They let fear reign instead of love. Fear has to control. Love can let go because it knows that God has your best interest at heart. His perfect love casts out fear.

Are you in a prison of some sort? Maybe not even of your own choosing. How will you respond? Your freedom depends on it. Let us know how we can pray for you. We will walk with you through this.

The Fine Line - I Chose Him

There is a fine line that appears at times in our lives. It is a time of decision. It is a time that can have drastic results. We are all prone to wander as the old hymn states. We know when and we can indeed feel it. Unfortunately many of us are not willing to honestly live being aware of this. We like things comfortable (which is an idol). However, we must be evaluating our hearts. The Bible calls this guarding them.

What road do I take? The question lies in front of us more than we may think. There are simple everyday choices that can easily lead us astray. But when we are more vulnerable these choices can be more drastic. It is a temptation to chose something in our lives that makes us comfortable, approved, or in control yet steer us away from God. These decisions are based on love for something. Either love for idols or love for HIM. We chose one thing or the other.

Today was a really hard day. The air touching my skin hurt. Can you imagine the very air the Creator made to give us life hurting you? Then the rain came down and it felt like knives cutting my skin. Can you even wrap your mind around what that would feel like? Then I had to get two teeth filled with cavities. One of them would not numb. Flat out not receiving the message to numb. There is so much pain in life that at times I want to numb out. I know that is why people get into drugs, alcohol, affairs, overeating, or whatever your choice sin may be. It is much easier to take the painful things of life while numbed out. I would never say I am above falling at anytime. I am a mere human and weak. I could easily fall. However one thing keeps me above water and it is HIS love for me.

My tooth would not numb out and that is what I want for my life. I want to be present. I got three shots then some harder core med that is not used unless they are desperate and through all of that I could still feel it. I had to endure the very present pain. Yet they looked and there was no seen explanation for it. Well, I know it is because my body is weird right now and there is no telling what Lyme can do. It is sad when the specialists have no idea. Honestly I am tired of dealing with all the complications that come with these health challenges. It is hard to live and do what is required and be like this. A time that would be easier numb.

On my drive home I battled very scary thoughts that would end my pain, at least temporary. Desperate times can be dark and scary. Thoughts kept running through my head about things I could run too.

However, He was ever present. He was there,He is not afraid of my pain, my raw honesty. He is near the broken. He brought my thoughts back to HIM and no matter what He will get me through this present trial. So my choice, I chose HIM. What keeps me from running to sin? My love for HIM. My love for Him comes because I know His great love for me.

Answered Prayers

***Please excuse any typos because my eyes are not at their best right now.

I do have a confession to make. Though I hate it, it is good for me to be laid low. There I said it. I am a prideful, self-sufficient, bratty, three year old. When I am laid low I have to be dependent on others. It is the only way. I am thankful for it. I must be broken. Pride is a horrible thing. Something I think humans will always struggle with it on this earth.

Anyway, I cannot do much outside the house or chores inside the house on my own now. Or at least without must rest in between. I am pretty dependent. Yet it is in this place that God teaches me the most. It is in this place that God let's me experience the most security, and love in HIM. Strange huh? It is because His kingdom is an upside down kingdom. He is a God who "opposes the proud but is near the humble".

I know that God hears me. I know He hears every prayer I utter. I know this because we are in relationship. And in relationship God listens. He really listens to us. Sometimes He says no to our requests. Honestly this is for our protection. When your three year old asks to drive the car do you let them? God can see the bigger picture and it is good for Him to say no to us.

At times we must wait or endure. Like now during my illness I am mostly having to endure. God is giving me enough strength to do the things I must do. But I must be wise. Take note it is the things I must do not things I want to do. Now I must really prioritize. Things do not look the way I may want but God gives me enough strength to accomplish the important. It has given me time to really reevaluate and really talk it over with Him.

Then Sometimes God will give us an immediate yes. It has been a long time since I have experienced this. I am sure it is because I have not been paying attention. When people are able to do most things on their own they really lose sight of God in the little things. But the truth is God is in every detail of our lives. He in control. He loves us that much. Do you stop to pay attention to that?

In the past 24 hours I got three immediate yes answers to prayer that I know of. First I was so very thankful to God that I was in tears that I could make my children PB&J sandwiches. It was a great accomplishment with how tired I have been and with how much pain I have been in. After I had served them my stomach started hurting pretty bad. It was the medicine, apparently I did not have enough on my stomach. But after all I had just done I was too weak to do anything about it. I cried out to God.

Immediately I got a text from a sweet lady. It said, "I am in a hurry I am bringing you lunch now." I was in awe. This is what I needed. Something on my stomach but I was too weak to do it myself. An answer. I ate it and was fine. Now the girls could have done something for me but God really wowed me here.

Next I had a babysitter coming and needed a few items from Walmart. I was fretting a bit because the trip is so much on me and thinking about it makes me nervous. Will I be able to make it? I really need help but I did not know who to call then. I was not sure if I should chance it. It was the same day I was just talking about. It was a hard day in the first place but it was the day the baby sitter was coming. As soon as I posted a prayer request my friend called me and said hey I am going to Walmart can I get you something. I started crying. She said what is wrong? I proceeded to tell her the story. She had no idea. She was off that day from work because it was Veterans day. Amazing. We went together and she helped me. Without her I could not have done it.

The next morning I was very weak but my daughters were invited to a birthday party. I wanted them to be able to go so decided to get the stamina to do it as a whole family. My husband would be there to drive. He is so good to help me. My daughter lost the card which was the present as we were going out the door. She kept searching frantically around the house for it. Then said mom can you please help me find it. I could not. I was too weak so I told her. Honey I cannot help you but God knows where it is we can ask Him. I prayed. He gave me the thought of under the microwave. She looked and it was there. It had slide under somehow. Again an immediate answer. I love when God does that. But we need to acknowledge we need Him. How often do we do that?

We must acknowledge to that even the no answers are good for us. If we believe God is sovereign and in control of all things which I do otherwise what kind of God would we serve? Then we must trust His no in a situation. We must trust the things we do not understand. I know all the horror of Chronic Lyme disease. I know what a miracle it was for Him to heal me 7 years ago from it with such a small amount of treatment. I may not understand why it came back but I do trust He is in control. However it plays out I know that me and my family will be better off for it. So take heart God loves you. He is a loving Father who desires the very best for you and can see the bigger picture. You may not be able to understand but He does. He is good.

Keeping the Home When You are Chronically Ill

Keeping the home is a basic role that is assigned to women listed in Titus 2. It would be good for us to study this book together one day. Perhaps we will. However, one thing I am to do as my role as wife to my husband is manage our home. This presents a bit of trouble when one is chronically ill. So how do we work this out?

I decided that I would list some tips because I know many people suffer with chronic illness. Many with invisible illness which makes this more difficult all together. I do hope you find these helpful. Also please know I do not have this all together. We do the best we can as we learn and grow in grace and humble submission to our Lord.

1-No Guilt-First do not beat yourself up. Adding pressure to yourself when you are already dealing with some sort of illness will not do anything for you or your family. It will make things worse. Only do what you can in the strength given to you. God knows your heart. Do communicate with your husband about it and come up with realistic goals.

2-Communicate-I listed this above but it will save your marriage, especially if your illness is invisible, COMMUNICATE! No one knows you are sick if you do not look it. It is hard for them to understand. Communicate what you can and cannot do.

3-Be Realistic-When you make your realistic goals stick with them the best you can. Be humble and accept help as needed. Also if no one offers do not be afraid to ask for it.

4-Delegate-Assign extra jobs to the children. If your house is like mine they do not have much to do in the first place. It will help them build responsibility. Plus it is only for a season in our household. It is good for them and gives them a sense of accomplishment.

5-Understand Priorities-Being a manager of your home means being keeper of it. It means keeping a watchful eye over it. During this time your house may not be the most clean and that is ok. Keep priorities in order. The most important thing is the people in your life not the cleanliness of your house. Don't use the only strength you have to clean when it leaves none left to cuddle with your children.

6-Expectations-Let go of your expectations of how you would like things done. When you release a task to someone else trust them to do it and do not criticize how they did it. Be thankful for their help.

7-Pray! Pray! Pray! The most powerful weapon anyone of us has in watching over our household is to pray for those members in it. Use your down time to pray faithfully and continually.

8-Simplify. Keep meals simple. Keep school simple. Keep everything simple. The more simple the easier things will be.

9-Boundaries-Do not be afraid to enforce strong boundaries. It is okay to say no to things that will take your strength away from what should be first. Only commit to what you know you can handle and stick to it.

I hope you will find these helpful. I know I have. I am learning and working on them. Grace is a very important thing to extend and accept during this time.

Chronic Illness as a Helper

"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him." ~Genesis 2:18

I love the roles that God gives us as husband and wife. However, there is a problem that presents itself when I go through a period of sickness. I don't feel like I am much of a help. In fact I am honestly more of a burden. Yet God knows. He has called us to be selfless toward one another in marriage.

There will be times when we will be unable to complete certain tasks. We need to be realistic. I struggle with this so much. I am by nature a type A personality, yet God has made it impossible for me to act it out. I am unable to be this when I want to be. I do think it is a good thing because I do not know when to stop. As God allows me now I go. Otherwise I would be like an energizer bunny and that is not healthy for anyone. Even as a helper it can become overbearing.

As the amplified version states helper meet as suitable, adapted, and complementary for him. I can see these things in my own life and marriage to my husband. We do suit each other. It seems when I am sick, he is well and vice versa. Also, we have learned to adapt to one another. We also complement one another well because we are opposites and with this God allows us to be shaped and challenged. Marriage is an amazing tool that is used to refine us and make us more Christ like as we learn to live with one another selflessly as sinners.

The word for helper in the Hebrew is ezer. It literally means one who helps. Now when you are chronically ill how can you be this?
1-You can communicate with your husband and save your energy for those things that are really important to him. Whatever that may be. Especially intimacy.
2-You can faithfully use your down time to really cover him in devoted prayer.
3-Be honest about what you can and cannot do at this time. God will provide. He understands.
4-Be a good friend and listener. Be his cheerleader.
5-Do not be critical of things he must pick up and do that you usually do. When you can help.

I appreciate your prayers during this time. I am on day 8 of antibiotics. I have 22 days to go. I am very tired and fatigued already. It is limiting me at this time. I hope it does not get much worse but I am not hopeful. I do want it to be effective and kill aggressively any bacteria that still may be present in my body.

I love this verse, "And then the Lord your God will send terror to drive out the few survivors still hiding from you!" (Deuteronomy 7:20). May He do this! In context God sent this to drive out enemies. I think it can apply here too. Sickness in this little bug is still a great enemy!