I Used to Wish I Was Jewish

Our son was adopted into our family last June. This process helped me to understand more fully my adoption into the family of God. I am so thankful for this deeper understanding.

I used to wish I was Jewish because more than anything I wanted to have the same family background as Jesus. It literally hurt my heart to think I was far from His nationality being my German/French/English background self.

Then I realized that His choice and His decision was to adopt me. Adoption means that the adoptee gets all the benefits of the family he or she is adopted into. They get the heritage as well. This just blows me away. So, I am as Jewish as Jesus is by my identity and adoption into His family. I love that.

Let me share how I realized this. We recently had a family reunion. There were shirts and hats printed up with our family name on them. My son, through adoption has our family name legally now but I was fearful that he would not be accepted as one of the family by all of the family.

I watched as the family embraced him as their own. He was never excluded or shunned or made to feel less than. He was a true member of the clan. He got to share in our craziness and heritage like it was actually his own. My heart delighted in this sight and it was through watching this that God showed me that Jesus family line IS my family line. I may look different on the outside but it is indeed my family line by adoption and that makes my heart full.

Two Years with Isaiah (God Saves)

I cannot believe how our life has been flipped upside down with the addition of this little boy! It still all seems like a crazy blur but I love it! I would not change a thing! Adoption has changed all our lives completely in hard ways but in good ways. This little boy that God so loved and had in mind for our family has rocked our world in ways we did not know we could be rocked.

We named him God saves, but see, God used him to save us in many ways. When you live life day by day you start to just fall into complacency. It just happens and he woke us up. 

I asked our little guy what he loves most about each of us and he says,

"That we love him and hug him." He is so cute!

I know that moving forward it may be hard. I still see delays in him. I know the reality of adoption and its brokenness. He knows he has living birth parents and loves them but keeps telling me he has lived with us his entire life. We both know that is not true but perhaps it is a way for him to adjust at his age. He has much life to know the truth and walk in it.

My absolute favorite thing is watching him grow spiritually. He is concerned about his sin toward others when at first he could care less. He loves God and sees how important God is to us. He fits in so perfectly with us, like he was meant for us all along. I do not know how it will all look as he interacts with all of his family, birth or adoptive, but I feel positive about it. I don't think it can hurt anyone to be loved by so many. As long as we can keep his best interest at heart.

We Have a Boy! Post-Adoption Thoughts

My pastor spoke on biblical authority last night in service. I think this is why this feels so different this morning than the other mornings with little man. He was technically my son because I was his guardian and I was raising him. I was a mother to him for all practical purposes however until the person with the real authority to say otherwise said it, it was not a true reality.

Yesterday was overwhelming and filled with an array of emotions. I have a son. I have a son. Maybe this is how Geppetto felt when Pinocchio became a real boy! I have no clue but I now know it is real and nothing can change that. We are now and forever a family of five.

I am so blessed to be a part of his biological family as well. They are truly a blessing indeed. Only God can work things in such a way. I stand back and watch and am amazed at what God has done with the hard and broken things. I see Him repairing and redeeming the stolen time.

God is the amazing One who works in astounding ways like this and "boom" I am adopted into His family when my heart turns to trust in Jesus sacrifice for an orphan like me! It is a full circle kind of thing and I am astonished at my Daddy day by day! He has worked miracles here.

Little man had a magnificent day! He loved the judge who listened to him and let him beat the gavel and express his desire to be a family with us! This boy we reached out to is now reaching back at us. It is beautiful! I just love this boy so! He is in the law's eyes the same as if I birthed him biologically. This thought amazes me too however when my Daddy reached down and grabbed a hold of my heart I too had a new birth into a new family. The picture is beautiful. I am breathless over it. I still need to wrap my brain around it. but for now we have a boy and we could not be more thrilled!

Son, You No Longer Need to Eat the Crumbs -- Believe Your New Reality

"It doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation. May God’s peace and mercy be upon all who live by this principle; they are the new people of God," Galatians 6:15-16.


My son often grabs a cookie or piece of candy from the floor among dust and dirt. It is like he has an eye for this treasure. I am thankful he asks me if he can eat it first because as his mom it is my job to tell him that this is not a treasure at all. In fact, it could make him sick since it has been on the ground where disgusting shoes travel that pick up all kinds of germs.

Upon his latest discovery, which makes him so excited, of a cookie on the floor destined for the garbage but I had not yet swept up he asks excitedly, "Can I eat this cookie?" I reply, "No son that one is dirty." He trusts me which is a miracle because in his early years he was deprived of food. I know he had to scavenge for food so floor food was probably indeed a treasure. But not anymore. I am not sure how long it takes one to get over this. It must be believing what his new reality now is instead of remaining in the past.

I took him to the cupboard and opened it up to retrieve a new box of cookies which I gave him a few. I told him these are the good ones and reminded him we don't eat the scraps.

It reminds me of how God our Father must view us. If we are in Him we fully belong to Him. We are part of the royal family with all the rights and privilege that are inherited there. All the promises are ours. We are a new creation yet we continue to settle for crumbs. We don't believe that God the good Father has better for us. We settle for what we knew. We frown at grace because we feel like we are not worth more than crumbs. But this is so far from the truth. He has the delicacies displayed for us to dig into. Can we trust Him for them? Can we believe in faith and not settle for second best?

Lord help me to do this as your blessed princess, fully redeemed and adopted in Christ Jesus.

Adoption and Ethics -- Our Story

Our new completed family for 2013. Will not say we are complete for any other time because you never know what God has in store. Remember, Isaiah Dakota William Parsley just came to us out of no where!

There has been much written lately in the blogosphere about adoption and ethics lately. Apparently there has been some criticism of Christian adoption? What in the world!? Criticism seems to happen every time people set out to do good in Jesus name. There is an attack. This evil world and those who follow the pattern of this world do not want to see good things done in HIS name. It makes sense though His word clearly teaches, "Remember what I told you: "A servant is not greater than his master."If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also," John 15:20.


It is sad but a great reminder that this is not our home. Our citizenship is in Heaven and this life here and now is just a small blip on the timeline of history. I want to make it count for something in HIS name, bringing Him all the glory. He is CHRIST in me the hope of glory. I walk this all out in Him.

Ethics are important to address and maintain in adoption. Regarding our adoption story. Well it is heart wrenching now. With adoption a brokenness accompanies. We fought to give these kids the security they needed when no apparent change was happening with the birth family. We came to an agreement to work out this new relationship with them. We are not required to ever see them again by order of the law, but the law of love overrides the law of the land. We agreed to see them with their birth children as long as they want. We essentially are tied together for the sake of family and adoption. This was our arrangement in love.

We set up a date to have a big reunion of all the family per the birth families request. A reunion where we would do photographs and celebrate family. A time of being together to celebrate life. Everyone showed up but the birth parents. It broke my heart. We had not heard from them for a while now. We continue to try to contact but nothing. I am not sure what next steps to take in this matter however whatever they are they must be done in love and dignity. I am praying they are ok. I am praying they are looking to Christ. Will you pray with us? Also that we have the wisdom as how to proceed in this situation? Relationships are messy. They always will be on this Earth.

I want his birth parents to know they are valuable. They are brave. I admire their sacrifice. I want them to know I love them and consider them part of our family. I want them to know God loves them so much. I want them to know they are important to us and important to their children. I imagine this is a hard time for them. They are not failures as they may be tempted to think. They made a hard sacrifice for the benefit of another's well being and good. That is love. The most loving thing a parent can do.

A Word About Open Adoption - Our Story So Far

When I first thought about adopting a child and God put that desire into my heart, because honestly God has to open your heart to this kind of task, I initially wanted absolutely no contact with the birth parents. My husband and I prayed about this and felt led to start the process of adopting from the Philippines. Part of my heart motivation of adopting from overseas was the bonus of no contact with the birth family.

God however had other things in store for us. Our initial plan is not how it happened for our family. My youngest daughter was having some difficulty in life and behavior. It was during this time we discovered she had autism. It put a halt on our plans. We knew as a family we needed to learn how to better function. We just stopped talking about adoption. We entrusted that dream to God. If He wanted it it would happen in His time. It is His plan in building families so we would wait for Him.

Over that dying to our plans and dreams of adoption period we learned a lot of better coping skills useful for our family. Things were better but I was not sure if we were ready to bring another in to change that family dynamic. And at this time I was having a flare with my mystery illness. I was fine with how things were as is.

My girls started asking again about adoption and a baby brother. I kept saying pray. God will show us. Then my health took a remission again. It was now again a possibility. I kept asking God how to proceed for I was ready if it was time. Yet it is hard to pick up a dream again that you purposely let die.

Shortly after my health remission my friend called saying there were some boys that were going into the state system if they could not find some families to take guardianship of them. I said I would pray. This was not adoption but guardianship until the family could get things straightened out. It was different but was it God's path for us? My husband immediately said he would not leave a child out who needed help. He was on board. I was a little hesitant.

You see I was working with the state system and families in these kind of crisis es earlier as a social worker. I have seen what happens. I did not know if my heart could stand doing something like this. It would be hard work. Harder than I have ever done. But as a family we agreed to it. We hoped we could help this family get on their feet. Help them get things on track and get their children back. It also would give us a taste of how it would be to adopt. Could we really consider it after this task was complete?

Now when you do something like this you get to know people really well. You see very clearly the ups and downs, habits, and everything in their life. Much more really than you like to know. But you love anyway in a long suffering way. You learn to exist together as a unit for the welfare of the kids. You make it work. It is a new interesting family unit.

The shift in thought came at about 8 or 9 months into this process. We saw no change. No hope of returning the kids. We started to pray for permanency because all kids need this. They cannot remain in limbo and with a few displacements prior these kids deserved better. That is when the a word came up. It was a hard word. You see adoption is very permanent. It is very difficult. It takes great love.

Adoption for any birth mother is hard. It is seeing yourself rightly and realizing you cannot take care of these kids the way they deserve to be taken care of for various reasons. It is loving them enough to let them go. It is choosing not to abort them but bring them to life outside the womb. It is very difficult. I cannot even pretend I understand the pain. It is brave. It is selfless. It is death.

Not sure how adoption law works in all states but legally in Tennessee after birth parents sign termination of parental rights the adoptive parents do not have to have any contact with the birth family. Even in open adoption we are not obligated to see the birth family again. The term really only keeps the records open which are very vague. They do not explain anything like the whys of it.

Open adoption is a choice to love the birth family and keep them involved in ways you see fit that would benefit them but mostly the child involved. Our little guys birth family love him dearly yet they saw they could not give him stability anytime in the near future. They saw it was only fair for him and his future to move past this stage on to permanency. This was his best chance in life and they want to give him that.

In our case of open adoption it is probably the most open I have seen. We are choosing to stay involved with the birth parents and grandparents and siblings. We feel like we have been adopted by a larger family unit. We have gotten to know them really well over the past 15 months. We actually like each other. It is an amazing work of God. It took time to get to this place. And only time will show how it proceeds. All I know is that in adoption the child becomes yours as if you birthed them yourself. In turn it places the birth parents in an aunt or uncle role. It can be confusing but if you can all live together selflessly for the sake of the children then it can be a good experience. One that needs to be worked through each step of the way keeping the best interest of the children at heart.

The only way one can do this is rightly placing their identity in Christ and nothing else. Otherwise feelings of threat and jealousy will surface. We must depend on HIM every step of the way. All of us. We must remember this together. We must speak the gospel to ourselves moment by moment. We must see ourselves rightly as sinners in need of a Savior who loves us enough to come down to us to save us as we trust in Him.

We have always wanted a big family and in a way this has extended it. We will root for the birth parents to succeed. We will root for the success of the siblings. We will pray faithfully for them. We will love them well. We will be what we need to be in it. Not perfect but perfectly flawed children of God. We lean and depend on Him each step of the way.

The Pressure is Off Mom - Growing in the Grace of Parenting

I find it interesting that when my biological children were the age of our soon to be adopted son they were expressing great love for God. They knew in some ways that they were sinners who needed a Savior. They delighted in following after Jesus. This was their life. This is what they lived. This is what they were taught.

Our little man has a tiny interest in the things of God. It worries my heart. I am not sure why except that I know if you taste and see the Lord is good there is no where else to go! When you see His beauty there is not greater thing. I desire him to understand this too even in just a little way that a 4 year old can. I want him to desire to do what is right in response to this.

Yet the danger in this is moralism. I could demand him to tow a strict line of rules. I could try to share the joy of Jesus in following these rules. This however is not right. It is backwards. We follow the rules with joy when we know His love for us. When we know how deeply blessed we are because He chose us! Little man cannot see this yet. In fact I fear some of my older children's obedience comes from moralism.

I am so thankful that God is opening my eyes to some things as I get another chance at parenting a young one.

1-It is not up to me for my children to come to know Jesus--God is sovereign.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God" (Ephesians 2:8). Of course I need to share the good news. I need to authentically walk it out. I need to show the love of Christ to them. But only God can move in their hearts. Of course he does not know how to respond, he was never taught but this is good. He will be less likely to cling to the rules in order to be good. His heart is more honest. I am fully convinced that parenting keeps us completely dependent on Christ if we truly desire to see fruit in our children's lives. We know we cannot make the fruit grow. We must trust as we watch and wait in faith as we faithfully do the watering and planting.

2-Moralism and right living does not get to the true heart of the matter. This is a dangerous place to live for it is saturated with idolatry. Your identity is in the ability to be "good" rather than "hidden in Christ." Instead we need to know that He was good, the only one good enough to keep all the rules, and by His sacrifice and trading places with us we are saved. Not by perfection but by grace through what He has done on our behalf. Period.

3-Parenting by threat or guilt is not going to work over time. 
You may get some immediate results but they will not last. If we threaten our children and rule by fear they will only become moralist who outwardly behave but inwardly curse us. We are raising hypocrites, pharisees with this type of parenting.

If we use guilt we raise people pleasing kids who only desire to do what makes others like them or find value in them. Identity in what others think of them, which is idolatry, not in Christ alone.

My oldest daughter asked me once, "Mom does Jesus yell at me?" Oh that crushed me. I knew she was seeing Jesus as she saw me in her life. The irritable mom who snaps words and commands in a not so friendly tone. I replied, "NO! Jesus does not yell at us or treat you the way I do. I am so sorry I need Him to move and change me as much! Let's ask Him to help Mommy."

Moms, pray for your children.God will move and work in their hearts as you faithfully live and disciple them. Show them the love of Jesus but when you mess up don't condemn yourself for there is no condemnation for us in HIM. Just get back up and move forward. Only Jesus could do this perfectly. Let your children know that you need the gospel as much as them. It is never too late. Be faithful. Ask God to help you.

So truly the pressure is off, it is not up to me. God has got this under His sovereign control. He is working in the secret places of all of my children's hearts as much as He is in mine. He is moving us from one degree of glory to another as we look to Him and what He has done. There is amazing beauty in His sacrifice for us while we were still sinners. He did this with joy that was set before Him. He saw us redeemed and that kept Him nailed there. That kept Him silent when attacked. What amazing love! May we understand this more fully so we can spread it to our children and all the others He places around us.

Mothering with Disability - A God Centered View

First forgive me because this blog looks like all I do is book reviews. I have a bad habit of taking on lots of books at one time then of course reviews have to post...However mainly I want this to be a place of encouragement in Christ. I want it to be a salve to a wounded heart or soul. I want it to encourage you to look to Christ. Keep your gaze upon His beauty regardless of what is warring on around you. I hope it accomplishes that. For Christ is truly all we need. He is the end of all things. It is all for Him and His glory. Keep that focus friend and remind me of it as well! I need that reminder.

My confession to you is that often I find myself slipping into a mopey-oh-I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself place. This is not good people! It is not a safe place to be at all. However, God opened my eyes to something magnificent that I want to share with you, especially anyone raising a child with a disability or if you yourself have a disability.

This "disability" whatever it is, though so hard and bad in some instances has a greater purpose or good. Let me tell you what I mean by this. If my world was easy and my children were very obedient and my body held lots of energy to maintain a squeaky clean house, have dinner ready, (I mean a perfect candle lite one) every night as my husband came in the door, then I had enough energy to have amazing family time where we sang together and had wonderfully intelligent times of discussion together. Then the children went to bed perfectly on time leaving my husband and I lots of great time to bond. Oh what a world that would be right?!

In that alternate world I would be so tempted to be the center of my universe. It would be me who raised these perfect children and me who took care of my husband. It would be me who had this energy to maintain the perfect home. Quite honestly I would have little need for God. I have accomplished much on my own and therefore become the reality of my worship. I am an idol.

Our home is quite the opposite of this. Life is not an easy to solve thirty minute sitcom. Life has many challenges. Life can be very hard especially if you live with disability amongst you all the time. The last time I was having a little poor me pity party this is what God impressed on my soul.

Consider yourself blessed because the temptation to idolize the good things that He surrounds me with is minimal. It is a great way for Him to keep me humbled for it is in weakness that His strength shines through.

Wow! Now instead of looking at these various hardships as bad things (though they are bad) I can now look at them as gifts that keep me focused, dependent, and hanging on His strength. He is the only thing that gets us through. I know that full well so my temptation to take credit is minimal. He is so good to give us even this gift. 

What is your biggest struggle in motherhood? Have you ever thought about looking at it this way, as an opportunity for dependence instead of an inconvenience? No matter where you are in life there is a struggle even if you do not have a certain disability in your life. The key is getting the focus off yourself and the present problem and instead focusing on Jesus the Author and Perfecter of our faith. Focus on His beauty and love for you then know He will get you through as you cling tight to Him. Trust Him.

Drug addiction, Birth and Beyond

I love someone dearly who was born addicted to drugs. It wasn't their fault, they could not help what their mother did while they were being formed. Yet people like my friend live among us everyday. We cannot always tell who they are because we do not know their past histories yet they are probably functioning differently on some level.

This particular person is causing great pain in my life currently. It seems to me that there is an inability to understand things. There is something just not right about them, something that is not connecting. It breaks my heart. I cry aloud to God and pray for them. I plead for their healing. I watch and wait. It is unknown what they will become.

Sadly, we have too many babies these days born addicted to substances. It is epidemic and the research of how it effects them is not out there. They are the first line. I struggle with this so much. The tug of my heart aches in ways that are unspeakable.

I pour forth my tears to the Creator. I have to trust, really trust that God knit my friend together in the mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). I must trust my friend was fearfully and wonderfully made despite all of this (Psalm 139:14). I must remember though drugs were meant to harm my friend, God has other plans and will use this all for the ultimate good (Romans 8:28-29).

This is what true faith is like, believing these words spoken by God because no matter what I can trust Him, though I do not see the end result. He will help my friend. He can even heal. He will show me how to be the best friend I can be in the meantime. The Creator makes no bad thing even when sin is involved. I must etch this in my heart so when the going gets rough or continues to be rough I will remember this.

Where Autism meets Adoption

Warning...I am sure most will not care much about this post, it is strictly a journal entry for me or anyone who really cares about our journey. I am writing for me and memories to refer back to along the way.

 Today I knew we would have a full day that would push terribly the sensory buttons for my autistic daughter. I prepared us for it and we prayed, spoke God's word, did fun activities we packed, and ate food including sugar! It was a day to pull out all the stops if we were going to accomplish all we needed to for the final drive of this adoption home study.

We had many stops and because it was an entire day that was taken up we made it into one big field trip. We learned much about civil service and the government. Then we learned about enterprise and other service industries as well. Also how it is important that the government does not run all things like churches. We got to visit and meet many people in service to the government along the way. It was highly educational.

We kept in mind that everything we did today was for the love of Kota and our adoption of him. First he had his well check visit. All went well and it is so good to see how well he has progressed from a year ago. It was like he improved almost completely. He is still small for his age but not anything to be concerned about. His immunizations are pretty much caught up. He went from being the equivalent of an 18 month old to a now four year old in a year. Great progress!

Next we had to go to the health department. We had to have birth certificates printed, then a TB screening. Dakota was quite wild and did not want to settle down while I filled out forms but the great discerning clerk put the tv on to a Nick jr show and immediately he calmed down. Funny how tv does that. But my autistic girl said, so is the tb screening where we sit and watch the tv screen? LOVE HER! She was convinced that was it since it is what we did. However after our wait we answered some questions and were out.

Then next part was quite embarrassing and humbling. We had to go into the STD clinic for my HIV test. It was filled with colorful people of interesting character. I was so hoping nothing awkward came up and praying the kids were shielded from that stuff. God kept them shielded and I was thankful! We waited in there so long it seemed so I pulled out the Arabic alphabet and started teaching it. We also quoted our Psalm verses we are memorizing. The people in this office were not as discerning toward the need to help shield these children from the stuff in the clinic.

After this was completed we then took a stop at the police center. We got to speak to an employee who would help us with this part of the process. This building was the cleanest and most helpful. It took the least amount of time as well. I was thankful.

After this we made a quick stop at the post office, why not it was government facility day. Then off to the grocery store for a few needed items. By this time and about five hours into our adventure my autistic was beat. I however did not want to leave her in the van because of the crazy bang on your window weirdo guy who was once in that parking lot. We all then went in. Now the scene is kind of sad actually. I have little man in the front cart seat. I have my nine year old autistic girl in the big part of the cart. The entire time she sucks her thumb and lays on a pillow. While she is doing this we are fitting necessary groceries in around her.

Some greedy attitudes occur with the oldest while the youngest tries to pester the middle child. Oh Lord come quickly! I am so glad I filled up with LOTS of the Word this morning before we went in. AND prayed a powerful prayer to help us stay focused on Christ while we were in the store. Yet despite it all the little man got angry with the middle child and started pounding on her. This was of course while I was lecturing the oldest on being thankful and content with what you have. I intervene and stop it then lecture on kindness, how we never hit, and how they are to serve and protect one another.

We finally make it home unload groceries and get settled. I told my autistic child I am so proud of her how she exhibited so much self control and patience though I knew it was impossible for her without the help of the Holy Spirit. She hugs me and says, I wold do anything to make Dakota my official brother.

These words. THESE WORDS, are why we do this! This little girl who suffered greatly today in ways I cannot even understand, this girl still voices her love and sacrifice for the sake of adoption. This is wisdom and maturity beyond her years. Only the Lord can truly know what a sacrifice she has made today for the sake of adoption for He made her body and knows how each part of her is made. He knows the continual sacrifice she makes living in this world that was not made for her kind. I know His reward for her is great. Greater because she perseveres even though it is nearly impossible. She is learning to trust and depend on God.

Jesus knew the cost of reaching down to save us out of the pit of abandonment and filth. He sacrificed completely all for the sake of adoption. I was reminded of this today. I am thankful for my autistic girl. For she was my reminder of the power of Christ and His sacrifice for us all who would believe.

One Year with Dakota - Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my precious little man! It has been an entire year now that we have been blessed with knowing you. I can hardly believe it. Time has gone by so fast and I have seen you grow in so many needed ways. This past year of all of our lives has been about you. Growing you in God, growing you in health, growing you in mind. You have come a long way in a year.

I remember when you would go to any adult when you first came to us. How I had such a fear you would just walk off with another family right under my nose. I later learned this is from lack of attachment. You finally formed that shyness tucking your head into my neck that relieved me. You no longer go to just anyone.

I remember working hard with you to form that much needed bond of attachment. Every night I would cradle you in my arms and hold you there stroking your face gently and speaking words of love and redemption over you. You would not relax in my arms or even look me in the eyes then. After I let you go I would take some time to secretly cry. No child should ever be afraid to attach. As I persevered in this process with you one day you relaxed your body, then one day you made eye contact, and today we hold each others gaze. You ask me to hold you and rock you. An attachment, a true bond has been formed! I praise God for that because that means some healing for you and your life.

I remember you looking in the mirror practicing your words, "Hi. My name is Dakota, I am a boy and I am 3 years old." You were so adorable but you desperately wanted to get these things right as Daddy worked with you on them. They were basic skills a three year old should know and after this year you know them and many more things!

I remember you coming to us at first with only a few words. Now you have a large vocabulary.

I remember you running up to me saying you don't have to sin anymore because Jesus died on the cross for your sins! How precious you formed those thoughts after listening to a praise song! I pray one day you do surrender your life to Jesus.

I remember countless number of people commenting on how smart you are which means a lot to my heart knowing what has happened to you. God really does allow us to overcome even the worse things. He had His hand on you protecting you.


I remember you bringing the greatest joy to our lives. This year has been crazy with you but wonderful. We love you so much! Though we did not even know you existed four years ago it is a joy to know you now and love you like our own. Happy Forth Birthday! These are just some of the treasures in this mother's heart over the past year with you.

Would You Condider Helping Us Fund Our Adoption?

Option 2 of the way you can help us fund our adoption is going to this fund raising site and donating. We get all of the funds. It gives you an option to also donate to their site but you can say no it is not a requirement. If everyone gave just a small amount we could easily raise this. Would you consider partnering with us?

Option 1 can be found at this post.

Please do pray. Money is no object to God and we are confident He will provide every cent we need for this.

Go to this site to donate http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/A-Hope-for-Dakota/38209

To read the entire story from the beginning you can read all of the posts here http://www.refreshmysoulblog.blogspot.com/search/label/adoption

Thanks so much for being a part of this journey with us!

Top Ten Read Posts of 2012 at Refresh My Soul

This was such a fun look back at 2012. Though incredibly hard, God has been there all along. We have seen him us the weak in strong ways, been humbled, and in awe of His mighty grace and mercy.

Here are the top ten:

1- Hope for Christians Struggling with Depression
This vulnerable post has really surprised me. It is by far the top post this year. It saddens my heart that many out there are struggling with this issue. But there is hope in Christ.

2- Family Discipleship Plan Review From Precept Ministries
This post is humbling because many visiting the Precept Ministries website are viewing this review. I love Precept so much! Any of their resources will be wonderful for you to have and will grow you in HIM.

3- 30 Day Sibling Challenge - Day One
I sent many of these resources out but have not heard a thing about how it worked out. I am blessed beyond measure that so many people read this and I hope it helped with peace in their homes. This series is what I entered into the writing contest I entered for a publishing contract. If it does not win I will list it on Amazon for kindle with the others.

4- Our New Family Dynamic - Quickly Entering the World of Boys
This has changed our life! Enough said.

5- Reasons to See Magic Mike
This one is surprising to see so many hits! Probably the title grab! As you know I would not approve this film, just wrote it from the negative perspective.

6-The House Fire of 2012
Another life changing and challenging event.

7- Psalm 119 - Week One
Again another Bible study that got many reads! I love that this ministry can help others grow in the word. I will be doing more of these next year Lord willing and I will be posting the last of Psalm 119 very soon.

8- In a Month Your Life Can Drastically Change - Meeting Little Man
I love this time when we met him! Butterflies is what I remember. Oh this precious boy!

9- Adoption - Not Completely
If you ever have been a custodian of a child or a foster parent you will understand this.

10- Fear of Transitions - Learning to be Content in All Things
I typed this on 1/3/12 only a few days before I would find out that this little man would need a home! Gives me goose bumps now! God knew what He was doing and what strength I would need to be there for little man. Oh what joy to see the great things He has done! All glory to HIM!

What the Eyes Have Seen - Adoption Journey

Oh little man what have your eyes seen? What have you been exposed to? One thing about adopting a child who has seen some life before living with you is that you will always wonder what they were exposed to prior. And what they remember from all of it. It will happen at random times stemming from different responses he gives to certain life experiences with us.

Earlier in the year when we had the house fire and were exposed to so many sirens from the fire trucks I was surprised it did not even phase him only later to find out that he had previously been exposed repeated times to fire trucks due to fires in and around his living situations.

Today we had an episode with our van. It had to be towed due to this. All seemed ok with him until the tow truck started taking our van. He flipped out over it. He was so concerned our van was never coming back. I had to explain that it was broken and they were helping us so we could get it fixed. Then we would get it back all fixed up after Christmas.

He has repeated that statement  over and over to me all night. Mom, the van is getting fixed and we will get it back after Christmas. Many times he randomly will intentionally run up to me and repeat it. It makes me wonder why this has stressed him so.

The hard part is I may never know. I can never know all he has been exposed to in the past but I trust it was all used to shape him into who God has him to be. All of life's experiences shape us and make us who we will become. It is times like today that I just have to trust that.

The Beautiful Art of Mothering - Beauty through Brokenness

Mothering is really an art form. It is full of complexities and different colors. It can be something that paints a beautiful picture or one of doom. The influence that God gives parents is incredibly terrifying.

Children come as a blank canvas mostly. Yet God knows the plans He has for them. He knows the number of their days. He knows every detail about each one. He thinks of children as precious and He allows us to birth them sometimes and other times He allows our family to be built in ways like adoption.

Mothering either way comes with brokenness. There is a new challenge of laying your life down for the lives of our children. This will break you of selfishness. Yet it is a choice if you refuse to lay your life down the brokenness is felt by your child. Fruit is grown good or bad based on what we decide.

When you birth your child your body is broken. It really does put a huge work on your body. That is why it is called labor. Your body will never be the same as it was before. Yet that brokenness is healed and formed differently now. There is a strange beauty to this type of brokenness. For the reward is wonderful. A sweet baby full of opportunity and life a new.

When you adopt a child there is a form of brokenness. For some reason the very parents God allowed to birth the child have died or forfeited to properly care. It is difficult to swallow what kind of things happen in this type of brokenness. However, God still has a plan to bring restoration and healing. What was once broken can be restored. God works in these situations as the Savior and Rescuer He is. Beauty can come from the ashes. Where there was selfishness selflessness can now bring forth fruit.

Jesus came into the world. He had to die to His self and put on flesh, even flesh as an infant to rescue us and be like us. He chose this way of life and it is only by Him and in Him we can follow after by picking up our crosses and dying to self. He came through the birth canal of Mary. God man with flesh on. I bet His first cries were beautiful to the ears. The Christ child was here. Beauty from brokenness.

As Joseph watched this even and saw this child first hand, I bet that cry was beauty to his ears. This child he would adopt as a son of his own flesh. From brokenness came wholeness. What a beautiful picture! What a beautiful night!

What a privilege there is in mothering, though it is not easy it is good. It is an art form that takes time to master. Lots of practice, lots of love, and lots of grace and out of it a beautiful picture is displayed.

Help Us "Bring Dakota Home"

As you know, those of you following our journey with Dakota, we are now in the adoption phase. An adoption, even privately done like ours can cost a lot of money. We wondered if you would considering partnering with us on this portion of our journey.

We are trying to think of creative ways to raise the funds for this. Right now this is what I have in mind. I will keep updating this with ideas as they come. To read all the posts about this journey just search adoption on this blog and they will all show up for you.

1-First please just would you consider praying for us on this journey daily. God needs to move some mountains. We are confident that God will bring the work to completion in His way and time. I would be forever grateful if you partner in prayer with us. Please let me know too so we can be encouraged along this path.

2- My two books are available for purchase through Amazon via the kindle store. I get 70% of the proceeds if you purchase them! That would be a way to help where you get a good resource for yourself and help us in the process. Abundant Grace is a great study geared for adults. It points you toward Jesus as you study his earthly family line, the family line he was adopted into. It has always been my favorite and stirs my heart toward Christ. Girl Power God's Way is a study for teen and up age girls that helps them grow in biblical womanhood.

If you have a prime membership you can borrow the title for free but I still get something for that.

You can get a free kindle reader app for your PC or phone or tablet to read these. If kindle is not your way you can purchase these via Sunday Scholar or Currclick where you get a PDF file that you can print or read off of your computer. I also get a good portion of these purchases.

You could give these as gifts to people. They are reasonably priced and help grow you in the Lord. A win win.

3-You could book a speaking event through us and take up a love offering. We would love to share our story and encourage others in adoption and in the Lord. We love meeting new people and encouraging them in the Lord.

Would you pray about partnering with us to meet our goal? We would love it and be so appreciative! We are all called to help the orphans, maybe helping us in this way is a way for you to help.

I should clarify what I mean by "bringing him home." We have had full guardianship of him since January of this year. Bringing him home means giving him a forever family so he does not have to live in limbo anymore. Bringing him home is giving him the security of a permanent and solid unmovable home. 

Eight Months with Little Man - What I Have Learned

I walked down memory lane when I searched all my posts about adoption on this blog. Oh the flood of very real and raw emotions that I processed. This has been the most difficult thing of my life so far and believe me I have walked some hard things. But I would not trade it for the world.

Today I went back to the place I first met our little man. It was surreal in my mind. Again those emotions flooded my heart afresh again. But it was good. It was bringing this journey closer to completion.

Here are some things I have learned so far on this journey:
1- There is only one Savior, Jesus Christ. As much as you want to become another's savior, it is not your place. You must let people make their own choices as heartbreaking as that may be. Yet you can keep praying for them. Do not enable them to live in ways that are not God honoring.

2- We all are only a few choices away from falling into the same sin that we so despise. The sin that ripped our little man from his biological parents is only a few bad choices away from any of us.

3- You really can deeply love a child that you did not give birth to. This was probably my biggest fear in this process. Yet true love is there.

4- When you get real serious about following God in things like helping the orphans serious warfare will confront you. Yet it is not to be feared, we can stand strong in the midst of it and know God is in control so anything He may allow will result in a greater good in the end. It also shows us that when the tough things come we are not the kind to give up and walk away.

5- If you chose to step in as a guardian of a child be certain it will be a roller coaster of emotions. Be certain too it will be messy!

6- You realize that even though you see some really poor parenting, you yourself are not any better. You just make different mistakes, all sin. You gain empathy for others.

7- When you roll up your sleeves and work hard to be an instrument God can use to heal a child it will not be easy but there is nothing more beautiful. You get a front row seat of a miracle.

8- You will never understand why someone will not fight for their children but it breaks your hearts and you pray for their deep brokenness. Then you become thankful that God allowed you to step in and fight for their life.

9- When God places a desire in your heart, He will see it through but in His ways and in His time.

10- We are stronger than we think in HIM as a family. We really do know how to come together in love.

So where do we stand? The end is unknown yet the clock is ticking. Permanency will come soon. In the meantime we faithfully pray, work and wait.

Helping Others is not Easy but Necessary - Living Love

Picture taken from Rock the Capital.

If you saw a kid homeless on the street, would you just walk on  by or would you have a desire to rescue him from that life?

If he didn't have parents would you give him a home?

I hope your answer is yes that you would do everything in your power to help otherwise I would question your humanness.

Now what if he did have parents? Yet what if the parents are not willing to take the steps to get their children to security? Or worse they are hurting these children in some way?

What then?

Then it is a mess - a full blown mess.

Usually in America the government intervenes. The kids would go into "the system." Clear lines would be drawn for the parents to follow. If they chose not to follow these given lines (despite the vast number of resources provided them) they forfeit their parental rights, making them wards of the state deeming them adoptable.

Giving them the opportunity to have stability though it is through broken places. Hopefully a forever family who will provide love and stability will rise up and fill the void the original parents forfeited. It was their God-given role but it is forfeited due to their sin.

Now what if you were that family who jumped into the mess keeping the kids out of the "system"? What if things were not changing? What if the rightful God-given parents refused to fight for stability and the very lives of their children? Would you risk it all to save them? Would you enter into that mess? Would you do whatever it takes to provide love and stability? Would you love them like your own? Would you turn your head and walk away? That would be easier yet we know it is not right.

These things are messy and full of uncomfortable emotions. It takes a lot of patient endurance and selfless love. Sometimes loving someone well is choosing the hard things. People will be hurt through this brokenness through entering into it.

YET

God can use brokenness. He became broken and died, later raised to life so that things can be reconciled, redeemed, healed, and restored. He is amazing and all I know is we can always trust Him. We must. Otherwise we miss living life to the full. Fully embracing it. We can chose to numb ourselves out of the pain, or we can look to the One who endured all pain. The One who gives us hope. There are so many orphans in the world today. It breaks God's heart. It should break ours. How is God calling you to help? How can I pray for you? It will not be easy, no true sacrifice is. Yet we can do the hard things because He has done them first. He fills us with His Spirit and in turn we can live fully for HIM no matter how hard.

Adoption as a Picture of the Gospel

I was watching my friend with her adopted son. God showed me a picture in my head of the beauty of it all. As she tenderly held her son I could see how he did not chose her but she chose him as God does with us. Her tender care reminded me of God's tender care of me. How He loved me first. 

Then I could see how her son could bring nothing to her. He had nothing to offer but they still chose him. They still fully and completely adopted this child. They loved him completely. It was a precious thing to watch.

I never thought adoption would be something that we would do, however God does not lay out the 5 year plan for us either. He started speaking to my husband and I about adopting a little boy who was 3 or under. I must admit it was a really fun thought. We were not sure how it would happen but trusted God would just lead us and show us what we needed to do.

That is how little man came into our lives. He just turned three and needed a home. He had nothing to offer us. Yet instantly we feel in love with him. We chose him. We accepted the task of getting legal custody of him to give him a home. To help his parents out so they could get their lives together to later reunify them together if they did the things that the court deemed necessary. 

This is how our situation with him is hard. There is no guarantee that the process will ever be complete. This Scripture helped me explain how it makes my heart feel about it. 

^"And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience^" (Romans 8:23-25).

Just as God has adopted us as daughters and sons it is not fully completed until that day He comes back for us. On that day all will be final and complete. Until then we will be groaning inwardly as we wait.Though we wait with hope. Though we have legal custody of our little guy it is not final and complete until a determined time. It is hard to wait for the outcome. He has been with us now for six months. It will only get harder as we connect more as a family. Yet we wait with patience and hope in God's perfect plan and timing. 

When You Have Two Moms

This journey has been the most difficult yet most rewarding of my life. Life with little guy is truly an adventure. He is such a joy! Children are gifts, a heritage from the Lord! Yet why do we treat them differently? Why do we not give them the two parent home (one male and one female) that they deserve? They need this environment of love and respect that only a stable home can bring.

Marriage is suppose to represent Christ and the church to the world. Each person gets to play the Jesus role of masculinity servant leadership and femininity submission. It is a beautiful thing if lived out the way God intended. The unfortunate thing is that we are in a sin stricken world where people like to be right in their own eyes instead of being concerned about the rightness of the Holy Scriptures.

With that said, our little man has two mothers in his life. His biological mother who was deemed neglectful and his legal mother who is baffled at how this is suppose to work out. As I stated in an earlier post I did not want to like her but God has moved my heart otherwise. I am building a relationship with her trying to encourage her to do the things she is suppose to do. It is a tough kind of love but necessary for her sake and the sake of her sons. She is made in the image of God just like me and her sons.

You see adoption is final. He would be ours completely, he would wear our name, it would be complete forever. But right now we only have legal custody which is not final, I guess it is like a marriage proposal which can be broken before the final wedding day, yet after the wedding day it is final. Christ adopts us like this, once we are His there is no changing that. Yet living in limbo, lacking permanence, is hard for everyone.

When you are secure in Christ and know you can believe every promise, know you have a wonderful inheritance, know He will never let you go, know He delights so much in you that He went all the way to the cross and back for you. That security is amazing, adoption complete. Yet for those in limbo, those who cannot feel this stability and permanency, life is unpredictable. It is confusing and they remain searching for something that will bring this stability.

The first couple of months I found myself stewing in anger at the horrible conditions these children were reported to be in. Taking it further I was angry that he was kept confined to the playpen or car seat all day long. The living conditions were not clean and the location is a known hub for prostitution. So maybe I should be grateful he was confined to atleast the security of a room instead of that hard environment day in and day out.

My anger came from the lack of protection, the lack of fight for making a suitable home for these children. The complacency of selfishness and laziness. Then here lately she said she hoped that we did not think they were bad people. It confronted me and my own heart. No I don't think they are bad just mislead and lacking skills. We all are bad really apart from the saving grace of Christ. The need for Christ is the great equalizer. Whatever class, culture, sex we are we are all desperate for Christ to save us from our sin.

He came, He beat sin on our behalf then exchanged His righteousness for our sin. There was nothing we could do to earn it. It is a gift of grace. I am amazed by this. I want to shine the light of the gospel to the other mom. Thus far we have not been together in the same place with little man at the same time. However, we were invited to come to the next visit. All of us, that means my girls too. I wonder what God can do with this, two moms who hopefully desire the best for this little guy. Two moms who hopefully can see their need for Christ. Two moms who can humble themselves and admit their wrong doings and needs.

This also makes me sad on one last point,do you realize that your children are a gift? Do you delight in them? Do you give them a sense of stability? Do you chose selfishness and laziness over them? This summer time is a great opportunity to be what they need instead of sending them off wherever you can find to keep them away from you. Do you realize how many want children but cannot have them? Or how many orphans are in the world craving parents? Don't make your own crave like orphans because of your lack? Or do you know how many wicked people are out there just wanting to take advantage of them? Parents please see them as the gift they are and take the time to die to yourselves to delight in them. Show them the love of the Father. That love that the Father has freely lavished on you. Please for the sake of a generation, these are image bearers of our great God. Do not let them fall in the cracks.