Seasons of Community in Family Difficulty

Pain slowly started taking the vibrancy out of my daughter. Little by little her head started making it hard for her to think and interact. Slowly she started having to stay in a dark, quiet place while withdrawing from the family. The pain in her head was too difficult to bear in a group setting. Though she craved community, the noise of it was too much.

Eight days.

It’s been eight long days since we’ve gathered around the table together because of this. This has rocked our world. I’ve let my worries about her get in the way of connecting with the others in the family. You don’t miss this connection time until it’s gone. The absence of it is heart-breaking.

Breaking bread together as family is the highlight of our day. It’s a time for safety, fellowship, and connecting. But eight days ago, when my daughter took a turn for the worst everything changed. When illness hits unexpectedly, it changes the family dynamic. The mysterious unknown presses on the hearts of everyone involved.

When hearts are pressed by painful events, it exposes what is truly in them. Some of that is ugly. We are tempted towards fear, worry, and ungodly anger in this time of grief. During these times, it is especially important for a family to come together. So tonight, we will gather. Not as our normal five but as four. Instead of avoiding the family connecting we will share openly and honestly our concerns about this difficult time of unknown illness. Then, we will get back to serving the one who is weak and needs us one on one.

This is our new normal for however long God allows. We must come together and talk about it. It will take adjusting and it will not be easy. However, for now, it is our new normal. Connection is important for a family to stick closely together. For us, that may look a little different in this time of the unknown.

Connection can look different for each family. Some get to eat together every night. Some have weekly scheduled meetings. Some have morning devotions. Every family is different. The important part is making intentional times of connection a priority. This new normal has reminded me that there will be seasons of change in all families. Each season will look different. The family will have to adjust to these changes. Change is not a bad thing. We must be open to it and work toward connection in each new stage of life.

When hard things happen unexpectedly, like in our family, it’s important to talk. We must fight for that connection in the midst of grief. It’s more important than ever, otherwise, we will continue to slowly drift apart. Whatever this connection time looks like for your family. Don’t forsake it. The time flies by way too fast and soon enough your children will leave. Hold them close as long as you can. Listen to them. Love them. Give them a safe place to be themselves and connect.

Home is to be a safe place where our kids can be themselves. They need to have access to us so they can discuss anything on their mind. If we are not there the world will fill our place but don’t we want to be the one speaking truth into their lives? They want answers and if we don’t give it to them, they will find them somewhere else. So whatever season you are in, make it a priority to connect. You will not regret it. And time is short. Take advantage of every moment given. It’s worth it. For we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

There is an occasion for everything,

and a time for every activity under heaven:

2 

a time to give birth and a time to die;

a time to plant and a time to uproot;

3 

a time to kill and a time to heal;

a time to tear down and a time to build;

4 

a time to weep and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn and a time to dance;

5 

a time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

a time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing;

6 

a time to search and a time to count as lost;

a time to keep and a time to throw away;

7 

a time to tear and a time to sew;

a time to be silent and a time to speak;

8 

a time to love and a time to hate;

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I'm Wonderfully Made, My Soul Knows That Well -- Or Does it?

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,the days that were formed for me,when as yet there was none of them. ~Psalm 139:13-16

I read an article yesterday that made me cry for a little bit. Researchers from around the globe have found some potential reasons for autism. They studied brains of people with autism and found a common factor. 

The part that made me sad was a theory. The theory states that "if a mother is pregnant and during pregnancy she has a bacteria or virus, it activates something bad in the fetus's immune response, in particular impacting the brain in negative ways causing inflammation." You can read the entire article here. It is very interesting and there are things at the end stating that you can do some things to help reduce inflammation and eliminate toxins.  Some things we've tried off and on.

The reason I was sad was because it felt like it was my fault that my daughter has autism. During pregnancy I did have an active Lyme infection of which I was unaware. The study indications make sense.

Yet, many people get tick bites everyday and it is more rare to get an infection from Lyme bacteria that you cannot fight off than we think. We camped all over the country as a family on a regular basis. All of us had ticks attached from our times in the woods. Yet I was the only one to get sick. Prior to this I also caught mono as a child. All of it goes together weakening an immune system. The immune system that God knit together perfectly and wonderfully while I was in my mother's womb. 

Some people just have the right combination of bad events or biological make up in their life that will cause these horrible lasting effects. I was one of those and it effects everything. Daily life, choices, doctor visits, etc. 

My husband was gracious, he says that our daughter is more like him so it was probably part of his genes. And he is right, they are so similar that it is scary! However, I find no defect with either of them. I just watch all the difficulties my daughter has with life. These difficulties are ones she would never chose to change. I love her for that but it is difficult to watch her struggle none-the-less.

When we start to question why we are made the way we are whether it be a weird quirk, a crooked nose, or predisposition to a certain disease or disability, we must remind ourselves of the truth above. 

We were not only woven together but intricately woven (like embroidery) by a loving Father who is intentional with design. 

We were made fearfully-indicating with reverence or awe 
and wonderfully-meaning marvelous and set apart.

God calls this work marvelous (the making of us) and the Psalmist is recognizing He knows this in the pit of his gut very well.

God even knew the days that were formed for me and you, every one of them! This is the same God who knows every hair on our head. As we age or disease and a hair falls, he knows it! He is attentive in His care.

Knowing that Christ-likeness is the goal, I can trust that though I am limited and my daughter is limited, no matter how it happened, we can trust that God knit us together perfectly, every cell, every minor detail, the exact way that He desired creating an amazing creation of art. Art that only He can perfectly create. Knowing our days and what would best draw us to Him, He made us. He uses every bit of every weakness to keep us close to Him. 

Weakness is where the real power resides you know. It is a holy thing to watch God work and overcome in an area you know you were clearly incapable of. It is beautiful and humbling to see God's power move on your behalf. He sees us as perfect, though the world we live in is fallen, disease resides now, bodies are slowly decaying, brains are breaking down, but it is not something that has caught God off guard. No, He is using every bit of it to make us more like Him. As we look to Him we are transformed more and more into His image. We reflect Him in those ways. Typically it is weakness that drives us to Him. 

So, I grieved, wiped my face (remembering, Our gracious Father doesn't even let our tears go to waste for He collects those too), cried out to Him and resolved to praise Him for fearfully and wonderfully making me exactly the way I am and exactly as He made my daughter. It is good because He is good. 

One day we will live without the boundaries of diseased bodies, I am looking forward to that day! And the beauty of disease is it keeps me focused there, longing, hoping, praying for Christ's return. So, don't let your limitations hold you back, look to Christ. Cry out to Him. It is in this weakness that His power shines most brightly through.

How God Revealed My Love of Money

^"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  

So we can confidently say,

“The Lord is my helper;
    I will not fear;
what can man do to me?” 

~Hebrews 13:5-6

When God drew me to Himself, I had a dream. In that dream He rescued me from death and said very clearly, "I will not leave you or forsake you." I had no idea that was scripture at the time. I was only twelve years old and did not know the benefit of being in God's word. 

However, later on in life, I discovered that those very words were Scripture! I also learned that context is important when interpreting scripture. The words around, "never will I leave you or forsake you", would give me the context of the deeper meaning. I was astonished to see that these words are framed around contentment and the love of money. (Though these verses do occur first in the book of Joshua encouraging him not to fear entering the land of promise.)

This season is tough. My husband is losing his job as a contracting company comes in to restructure. It is a time of revealed trust or lack there of in our Savior as provider. The pressure from this situation helped me see that I was loving money. Not because I am wasteful or like expensive things. I lack trust when I don't know if money will come in. This is a lack of trust in my Savior as Provider. I was trusting money as my savior.

Once that was revealed it was necessary to confess it. Then walk forward in faith that he will provide as He always has. It is only through trials or pressures that our hearts will reveal what we truly worship. If I was not walking through this season, I would think I was trusting God for our needs, but really, I was trusting in a steady paycheck.

I am thankful for this revelation. I am thankful God cares enough to reveal our hearts so we can confess this idolatry and move in fuller allegiance to Him. He gives more grace. In the process of dying to worry and dependence on a paycheck, we become more Christ like because we walk without fear knowing that God will provide. It is His promise. We must walk in it. This doesn't make it easy but a regular realization that I need to trust Him instead of any other thing. 

As we journey this path of the unknown for the next few months, I know God will provide. And at the end of this test, He will strengthen our faith. He is a good Father. He is always there. He truly will never leave or forsake us.

When you Grumble, You Are Forgetting God

Life is hard. I get it. It is very tempting to grumble and complain. I must also make a confession, I really need to grow in this area. I need His grace. If you struggle like me, I hope this will help encourage you like it did me.

Romans 1 speaks about the wrath of God. Not a really fun thing to think about but apart from Christ's intervention, we all deserve this wrath. Yet, because Christ stood in our place and we find ourselves in Him, we are no longer in danger of this wrath.

Despite this truth, we live and place ourselves in the same kind of picture that those addressed in Romans experience. The downward spiral of the wrath of God.

They Knew God but Didn't Love God
First, in Romans, God makes Himself known to the people but they refuse it. They don't love God. So in a response of not loving their loving Creator, they live for themselves. Christian, we must guard ourselves if we believe we are in Christ. In Romans 1:21, it states two things, they knew God but did not honor Him as God and they did not give Him thanks but became futile in their thinking.....

Later in Romans, Paul is making an appeal to the people of God to live as living sacrifices holy and acceptable to God because it is our act of spiritual worship (12:1). We do this by not conforming to the culture and renewing our minds (12:2).

God loved us so much that He sent Jesus to die on our behalf to make us right with God. When we forget this, we start to walk in dangerous territory of disobedience to God. We hurt the others around us and don't bring God glory (Philippians 2:14-16).

Essentially we are saying, God is not good. God is not giving me what I want. God does not love me. It is the classic attack from the enemy in the garden. Doubting God's love and goodness. Then we grumble.




Grumbling is an outward expression of what is going on in the deeper recesses of our hearts.
 
I have been reading through Exodus and I was baffled at how the children of Israel could grumble against God's goodness just 3 days after they escaped Egypt. They saw all the miracles against Pharaoh, crossed the Red Sea on dry ground, followed God who appeared as a cloud and pillar of fire yet, three days after they were finally free, they started complaining. Read it in Exodus 15:22-27.

God was still gracious to them. He continues this pattern over and over. He does things to test them. And testing is worthy of a new post. It is a good thing. It exposes the dark places of our hearts.

When I Grumble I Forget God
I should not be surprised at the children of Israel's grumbling, especially when I do it too. I have seen the greatest miracle, Jesus death and resurrection. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me. I know that He is making all things new and coming back for us at the proper time. I know I am rested securely in God's love. There is no reason for me to grumble. But I do it.

God is still gracious and long-suffering when we complain. When we see this in our hearts we are free to repent and walk in the right direction again. There are a lot of strategies that God gives us through His word to help with this, worthy of another post. I am praying that God gives us the grace to stop our complaining and to remember God.

What do you often feel tempted to complain about? How do you deal with that? Have you even considered that grumbling is a sin?

Leave a comment, maybe we can help each other out by prayer and reminding each other to remember the goodness of God.

When God Takes You the Long Way.....

I hate grief, big emotions, and pain. I hate tears. I wish God would just shock me in order to help me grow quickly instead of having to go through the often painful growth process. Yet, in His wisdom, God made me one who feels deeply. Because of this I go through all these things that I hate most daily.
And this is good.

Yes, good, because if I don't go through the process, I lose the opportunity of experiencing Jesus at a deeper level.

Paul was convinced of this so much that he tells us that he wants to know Christ by sharing in His sufferings (Philippians 3:10).  

Why?

The text tells us that it is in order to become like Him in His death. He goes on to say that "by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." (Philippians 3).

How can we appreciate and fully understand what Christ has done for us unless we share in it? When we get the opportunity to suffer, we get the opportunity to share in Christ's suffering. And in that, we get to experience the power of the resurrection that lives in us by His Spirit.

By this power we can move forward in suffering. He gives us grace that is sufficient in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). We can do all things that we need to do in Christ who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). Not only will we experience that now, but we will also experience that final resurrection from the dead when death is fully defeated in the end.

Suffering helps us grow in these things. The school of suffering is confusing to us because we cannot see the full picture now, but we can entrust ourselves into the hands of God who knows all things and works for our good. We are being conformed into His image through these trials (Romans 8:29).

I was recently reading through Exodus and again it hit me. God did many amazing life-altering miracles to free His people from Egypt. They saw first hand His power and might. Yet, when God freed them, He made them travel the long route to their destination intentionally.  

Why?

We are told that God did this because, "Lest my people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt" (Exodus 13:17). God knew His people. He knew their weakness of heart. He knew that even though they saw these amazing miracles that freed them from Pharaoh, they would still be afraid. So they had to travel through the wilderness. This wilderness would end up being a long training exercise in God's faithfulness.


Why Is God Taking Me On The Tough Route?


God knows our frame. He knows exactly what is needed in our lives to conform us most into His image. These are the things that will grow us, shape us, and enable us to know Him more and more. They are the things that will bring Him most glory as we learn to trust His guiding hand through them. This is where we learn that He is enough. So the lesson is, enjoy the long route. Don't rush it. God has a plan with it, even if you cannot see it yet, and His plans are always good. Period.

How Murder Shaped Me

1994, my high school graduation year, hope abides. Life has no limits. I feel as if I can rule the world. I endured suffering and fear at the tension and anxiety the class bully threw on everyone but this year I was in college. My life was finally free from the tension. Or was it?

That year, two girls were heinously murdered by three kids, all around my age. One of those perpetrators was this class bully we all feared. By all aspects of what information I have seen on the matter the crime was intentional. Some kids, 17 year olds, decided they didn't like some other kids so what did they do? They murdered them in cold blood. Kids, I went to school with, in my small town. The story gets even worse, to cover up what they did, they tried to burn the bodies. The mother of one of the perpetrators helped and then made them a pizza. What?! Is this the world I live in?

I didn't realize it then but this instilled a deep rooted fear in my life. Because I didn't know what to do with this horrible information, and didn't know how to grieve or filter it through a biblical worldview, for the next 21 years I would suffer with an unknown depression. A darkness that overwhelms me every anniversary month of these murders. The mind amazes me at how it tries to cope with hard things.

How does this shape us? Any trial or pressure we experience in life exposes the things we worship or don't worship. In my experience with these murders, I erected an idol of self-protection with some companions of control. These idols control our behaviors and responses to life.

What it exposed, despite the catechism and all the sin stained world I had seen, I wanted to believe that all people were inherently good. Much of the world wants to believe that too. Our fictional media often molds our thoughts to fit this box. Yet, we are born sinners. Nothing can deny that. I was glad to replace these thoughts with truth.

Yet, when I replaced these thoughts with truth of the real world, the idol of self-protection and control took over. If I can only control my environment then I will be safe. If only I can protect my self then I will be okay. I will do this at whatever cost possible. Then knowing this is not possible, depression hits and hopelessness takes over. Every anniversary month.

When God revealed this thought pattern, freedom came. We cannot trust ourselves to be sovereign. That job belongs to God alone. If we trust in God and His perfect plan, despite the confusion, we will be at peace in His capable hands. Nothing can come our way without His permission. Nothing. We have no need to fear or try to fix things or build walls of self protection. God is in control and God is good. That is all. I do not understand His thoughts. I do not understand why murder takes place besides the fact of the wicked condition of man. We are all capable of murder. We are all slaves to the sinful flesh apart from Christ. As the Bible says, "There is no one good. Not even one."

But in Christ, all things will be made right and all things will be restored. In Christ there is justice. In Christ there is hope.  So this October, I will be able to rightly tell this depression to leave because there is hope. "God is my refuge and strength, a very help in times of trouble." I pray this for each person involved or effected by this horrible incident so many years ago. I pray that we learn to put our hope and trust in Christ alone. May His peace comfort and strengthen each one.
 

How I See Hope as an Invisible Chronic Illness Sufferer

As I type this now, my left hand is buzzing with the pins and needles of numbness. It looks normal, but it is not. Pain pinches and knocks on my joints, running down my bones, but you cannot see it. My heart is fighting sadness because I want to be with the body of believers at church this morning but I cannot. Everything I do is a sacrifice of love. But you cannot know that. Easy things can be hard for someone with chronic illness. Hard choices are always being made. This week I chose to do too much so today my body is needing to recover.

Choosing what to do each day doesn't seem hard but it really is hard for someone with chronic illness. There is only so much that each person can give of themselves until their body shuts down. This is true for all of us but I look at the Olympians and how their bodies sustain long and grueling marathons and triathlons and I am amazed. These people may collapse after a marathon but I doubt they have to determine if they should use their strength for the day in going to the grocery store OR cleaning the house? Playing with their child OR helping them with their homework? Making breakfast OR taking a shower? These are the hard choices and sacrifices that those with little strength must weigh and determine. Otherwise the simplest thing will cause their body to crash. This is probably why I am such a control freak. I want to avoid a crash by any means possible.

I struggle with pride and contentment in this state I am in. It is the lot I have been given but sometimes, I just want to feel "normal" like I have no limits. And God does allow me great glimpses of limitlessness at times. Great glimpses where I can soar. I feel as if I can do anything! I love those moments. Yet, honestly they are just a moment, a taste, a shadow of what it will be like in Heaven to live with an unlimited body. Oh how I long for that day!

Guilt and shame are often companions of the chronically ill. Guilt because they don't feel as they can contribute so what is the point of them being there at all? Shame because no one can see the disability so they feel condemned by others who can bodily do the work. Grief is another common companion. If you are like me, those glimpses of strength often deceive you so when great weakness returns, you often grieve it all over again. Loneliness likes to companion you, depression likes to extend a hand of friendship, and despair likes to draw you and rope you in.

People mean well but often they don't know how to enter into someones pain and suffering. Those special people of grace do enter in and believe me it is not easy. I am hard to love. I don't want help. These are the people who know how to show Christ-like love. They give me hope. And hope is enough to resist the pull from despair. Then the hand of depression isn't as easily accepted and loneliness leaves because someone truly cares who can show Christ-like love.

That hope given is light exposing the darkness for what it is. The Light of Christ and He alone is what fills us with hope. Hope comes in one form through God's people loving well. Hope gives light which makes the darkness flee. Hope gives one courage to face another day with strength in the grace of Christ, which gives us the hope of the resurrection. Sin still runs rampant. We are in a fallen world. Sometimes our bodies fall apart and nothing can be done about it but the good news is, this is not our home. This is not the final destination. In Christ, there are pleasures forevermore. In Christ, all sad things will be made right. So we wait. I wait. With hope in the coming resurrection at the return of Christ. Will you wait with me?

Weakness - Where Glory Can Shine Through

I hate needing help. It is one of the most humbling and painful experiences of life as an American. Our culture is bad at seeing those who are weak and aiding them in general. There are scientists who want to kill off those who are weak. In general, the weak are not regarded as living, breathing, human beings with eternal souls made in the image of God. The strong prey on the weak. Weak people are taken advantage of all the time. I hate being weak.

I imagine other cultures do not suffer this ailment as we do because I observe in other cultures their high esteem for the elderly. When you grow older you become weak. Other cultures are communal so they don't mind being a unit and working together to help one another, it is natural. They don't see the weak as a burden.

In America we are individualistic. We are raised to take care of our own immediate family and take care of ourselves. We are raised to be independent, not needing anyone, believing we can do anything. This is not biblical. I am learning it the hard way because I am afflicted with weakness.

It hurts to feel like a burden. To feel like you cannot give back to others as they give to you. It is uncomfortable to be the receiver of care and help. It feels like a continual drain on others. When you do not look sick you feel this even more. A real or perceived judgement weighs in the air because you look able-bodied but you cannot do what the others do to contribute. You appear lazy.

As I journey this part of my life with waves of weakness and unpredictability I am reminded of what is really important and what is truth no matter what the culture defines as truth. I battle my mind to hold tight to biblical truth. It is a battle.

This is some of what God says about weakness:

"For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God" (1 Corinthians 1:26-29).

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

These are just two truths. The Bible speaks about weakness all throughout because we are frail and broken, every one of us even if we don't want to believe it, yet it is in the weak place that God can actually use you. It is in the weak place where His glory bursts forth. This is where He gets the greater glory. This is where we want to be. Lord help us embrace the weak places and let your glory shine through.

Lord, forgive us for being independent. Help us to be hungry for your glory alone and in that help us to embrace the weak spots because it is in those that your glory shines brightly through. Lord help us see all we need is You!

Glad You Stopped By

If you are here because you saw my post, "The Gift of a Shattered Life" over at TGC today, I am glad you visited. I don't have much to offer over here today unless you just love book reviews, though occasionally I do post something meaningful here. If you want to read more about various journeys around the web similar to the article posted at TGC today you can look up two great sites I contribute to monthly:
Comfort in the Midst of Chaos A wonderful gospel-centered encouraging site for special needs families
The End in Mind where I blog about Home-school adventures and what I am learning staying focused on Christ in the process.

I have blogged off and on about my personal health journey here and if you really want to read those articles then type in the word trials in the label box on the top right of this home page and a bunch of those should come up.

Thanks for visiting! Hope the article encouraged you in your trials and may Christ be supremely glorified in them! If you need someone to pray for you, it would be my honor, just leave a comment.

Confronted with My Complaining Heart

If I were on a mission trip in a foreign land and I had no water, I would not complain. It would be understandable.

If I were on a mission trip in a foreign land and I had no phone, I would not complain. It would be understandable.

If I could not get coffee because of no water on a mission trip in a foreign land, I would be ok because well it is understandable.

If I was in pain on a mission trip in a foreign land, I would endure because it is what is needed at the time.

If I ordered food on a mission trip in a foreign land and it was less than desirable I would eat it and not complain.

If my internet doesn't want to connect or is too slow on a mission trip in a foreign land, no problem.


BUT, I sit here in America in my own house without some of these conveniences that I am convinced are my "rights" so when they are gone, I complain. What is the problem with this messed up mindset of mine??!!! Today, as I lost some of these so called "rights", I even cried people, cried!!! 

May I ever have the mindset of mission and thankfulness for all things/good gifts the Father gives His children. Let me not forget that water and phones are not "rights" but privileges and gifts. Oh how lazy and prideful we are in America, I say we because I know I am not the only one who complains over these things we like to call or demand as "rights".

I am thankful for eyes opened to this form of sinfulness. Lord, forgive my wicked heart. Help me to endure these things along with the million other irritations that life brings with a mind of thankfulness. Christ died for me. Isn't that enough? Resurrection awaits. Focus mind and heart. Focus on what truly matters.

There is a tension I struggle with here and now knowing that God is good and is sovereign over all my circumstances yet when I am in the land of plenty, when things don't go my way, I want to complain but if I am in the land of want, I don't complain as much (it looks much more sophisticated at least). This is a double mind, unstable in its ways. I am glad that God has opened my eyes to this and know He is faithful and just to complete the good work in me He has started of contentment. I am thankful that He forgives these sinful tendencies as I confess them.

Above all, I want to be able to say with confidence as Paul did, " for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content" Philippians 4:11b. Content in the Lord that is, and to freely say, "whatever you will Lord, I will live."

Life in the Kingdom - Things are Not Always What They Seem

There is a precious older lady in my church. At one point in time she was my daughter's Sunday school teacher. She adores my children so we have pleasant smiles or small talk often but I have not had a chance to hear her heart. I noticed for the past year that each Sunday she enters church late, sits in the back, and sneaks out early before we are dismissed.

When people do this, enter early and sneak out late, I assume they just don't want interaction with others or perhaps they want to beat the crowd to lunch. My mind always tends to veer toward the negative and I hate this about my mind. God is transforming it as I truly am growing in order to have eyes to see people rightly. This woman gave me a chance to see.

One Sunday morning I had the opportunity to really chat with her in order to get a glimpse into her heart. What I found was such beauty in her through gospel shaped, devoted and sacrificing love.

I found out that she is a caregiver now for her husband. For two years they were told he would not make it through another holiday and this year they are approaching a third. She expressed such joy to be his caretaker and joy for the time with him, however, he cannot be left on his own at all. Because of this her son comes after his time at church to sit with him so this dear lady can come to her home church. After service she gets herself right back with him so her son can get back to his duties.

My heart was so touched at that self-sacrificing love. Her acts of love done with all joy. She misses being at church and teaching the children but sees this season as a time to lovingly serve her husband as he lives his last days. This is living out the gospel.

I wonder if we just listened to people's stories if it would make us less apt to judge? We have no idea what is going on with other people and their lives.

I spoke to another dear lady who said her husband struggles with sleep apnea terribly so when they make it to church after a hard night he usually falls asleep and it embarrasses him terribly because of how people judge or make assumptions.

Then there is the family who has resolved to sit on the couches in the lobby during service because the sensory overload of the service is too much for their son with special needs. Seeing this family sit together is endearing to me because they are trying to make this work, trying to be with their church body despite the difficulty. Let us not judge them! Let us reach out and love them where they are. Let us welcome them and ask them how we can help. Let us embrace them and speak words of encouragement.

I am sure it would be easier to just not come to church at all for each of them yet they are brave and they come because they value the assembly of the body of believers. And we are better off for having them in our family at our little church. These are just three stories but if we really had eyes to see I know we would discover many more. They each encourage me greatly and help me to remember we have no idea what others are going through and instead of making assumptions we should be willing to extend love and grace and help.

Rejection from Unexpected Places

The pain of rejection can be earth shattering especially when the people who you believe would unconditionally cheer you on most will not. There are dreams that we have, good dreams, eternity rocking dreams but we are not supported by those we desire support from the most. What do we do with that pain and hurt?

When you birth a child you have many hopes and dreams but it is reality to realize that your dreams and hopes for that child may not be the same as what that child itself has for their life. It is important to love them unconditionally as the perfect Father loves us. Not for what we do or don't do but because He chose us and delights in us as we are. I could do many things with my life and no matter what, I have the delight of my Father in Heaven. I love that. I need to remember that because ultimately He is all we need. I want to pour that same love and support onto my children when they figure out what they want to do with their lives. After all God places those desires there in their hearts and He knows our children best of all. He has given us this gift of raising them with loose hands, not holding too tightly, in order to let them go and fly free wherever He has in mind. Even if it is hard places.

I cannot wait to see the plans He has for them. I need to be reminded to hold them loosely for they are His. I need to remember to support their crazy dreams because though I cannot imagine myself doing some of the things they desire, I am for them. No matter what. I need to resolve to be their greatest cheer leader. That is how our Heavenly Father is toward us. That is how we should in turn be toward them.

If you are scared or worried, commit to pray, He will give you peace.
If you can't catch their vision, pray God's will be done.
If you can't understand, talk like adults should talk together to try to grasp some understanding and don't shame or make them feel like they cannot talk to you about their lives. Don't chase them away.

Ultimately children, no matter the age, desire their parents approval. Sadly, in this life some of us may never get it. Yet ultimately I am accountable to my Heavenly Father and in Him I am fully approved. That has to be enough. Lord please make it enough. And in that perfect love I can forgive and be free despite the pain. I press on in Him.

Grief - It is Okay to Not be Okay

Grief is horribly hard. There are layers to grief that I am discovering little by little. These layers are multifaceted and complicated, they invade and attack in various areas of life. The layers do not play fair because they come out swinging and hit you like a brick when you least expect it. Tears flow unexpectedly and then you find it just flat out hard to function.

When one thing sets the grief off the other layers of it rise up to the surface. It is like a muddy pool filled with muck and mire. You try to get up and rinse it off but something pulls you back in and you are struggling through the muck yet again.

It is like waves overturning you in the ocean. You are in the riptide so there is no use struggling, it will just pull you deeper in; you will suffocate in the fight. You are forced to rest in it with the hope that you will eventually come out of it.

It smashes idols and perceived areas of control. It is unforgiving and in turn you respond in kind. You lash out, you run from people, you just want it to end; now.

You feel guilt because you reason you should not feel this out of control. It has been long enough you say, and unsympathetic others agree with you. You are pulled into the temptation of hopelessness.

Grief has become my friend and we have a love/hate relationship. I know the Father holds me and that is my only source of hope. He is all. He is enough. He must be. There is no where else to go. This is a good place to be, I tell myself, but I am so tempted to run from even this place of safety. Yet He holds me. He loves me; even in my wretchedness. I am His and He is mine. I am beloved; despite how I feel.

I am ugly these days; more than usual. I am not doing okay. I cannot even respond with that fake response when others ask. I feel alone. I want people to enter this mess with me but I cannot pursue anyone in order to subject them to this mess.

I think I am discovering why I don't let many people in. I fear they will leave when they see just how emotional, or weird, or crazy I can be. It is easier to just not open up. I am terrified of it.

I know in my head that God is enough. I know I will get through this eventually. I know this pain will pass. I know all these things in my head but they have not yet moved to my heart. I can only think that Jesus endured all of this desperate pain, which I feel will kill me, on the cross. He did not only carry my pain but all pain and sin. I look to Him. He holds me and is very near to my broken-heart. And I am thankful for this fire because He is ok with me not being ok. I don't have to pull it together for Him so I will not pull it together for anyone else, it is too exhausting. I rest myself fully in Him who will not let this fiery trial burn me. And just maybe my faith will come out tested and stronger. This is my hope.

On Losing Those Things Dear

My heart aches like a tight ball that wants to burst forth yet I wall it up, it is impenetrable because I have cemented walls around it right now. I am in survival mode. Everyone around me is experiencing loss. I am too but I am trying not to feel it.

They say the deeper the love, the greater the loss. I am not ready for it. I numb my heart with thick impenetrable walls. I am trying to be strong for now. The floodgates that hold back the waterfalls about to burst from my eye lids are waiting, I deny them.

Death, it is occurring presently before me. Loss is death; death of something. At the present, I am losing something most dear to me. One of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me; my dearest friend. She has been with me through great suffering and loss and the greatest and highest joys. We have walked many roads and grown together down them. I am so very thankful for this time and realize I cannot hold on to anyone or anything too tightly. Another path is meant for her now as well as for me and I rejoice in that but with that comes great sadness. It really doesn't come with adequate words. Only tears, tears that God will collect in that bottle of tears (Psalm 56:8) where He records my sorrows. For my sorrows are important to Him.

I can press on in this loss because I know God has the most amazing plans for our separate paths. I remember this life is a breath and then we will have all of eternity together. I remember our paths now require a greater sacrifice but I linger now in the present that still exists before the impending day of loss; that great day of shaking. I loathe this day but it is bittersweet. For I know His plans are greater than any we can even think up or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I don't know how I will move forward yet after the great day of loss, but I know God will help me. Life will go on as it always does. I will mourn. I will eventually accept this new reality and find a way to adapt. I know to move forward I have to let those walls of stone crumble down, and it will hurt most terribly, but I know the One who exchanges our heart of stone for a heart of flesh will hold me and comfort me in my great time of loss. I know I can trust Him with my heart, so I will, but for now I will let tears flow as I write, then I will be strong again until the day of loss.

Living the Roller Coaster Life - Struggling Trust

                                                   © Galina Barskaya | Dreamstime Stock Photos
The interview went okay, not great, yet they asked for availability for when you could do a second. What does that indicate? Is it prideful to believe that they want you? After all why would one request your availability and not send forth an invite? How long do you wait?

Or the doctor says, "We will send this off for a biopsy but it looks benign." Yet a month goes by because the paperwork gets lost saying it is not benign but malignant. As you wait, do you call or assume all is well with no words coming your way?

Or your child who ran hard after God has turned away. He decides the lure of the world is more pleasant than God. Yet you cry, "but God I trained Him in the way he should go, how can he now depart from it?" Is that a guaranteed promise? Will he come back to the Way? How Long oh Lord?

Yet there is One who does know. It is the Lord. He knows the uncertainty. He knows the truth of what will happen. In fact, He has chosen the times and places we will live (Acts 17:26) so we can rest perfectly and comfortably secure in His perfect pre-ordained plan for our life.

We know these truths, yet there is something unsettling living in the unknown! We can trust our Heavenly Father completely with our future yet there is a tension between our perceived best future and His best future. You see, I would never chose pain for my good; never. Yet pain has a way of making us more and more like Him. I am not wise like the One who can see all things and know how they will all fit together for His ultimate glory and our ultimate good. Only He can work all of that out. What I can do is pray and wait.

Then what do we do with the bad news? We can trust the One who is in control of all things and works the good in all things. In the cancer, we can trust. In the job, we can trust His best plan. In the wayward child, we can trust God is working it out for the best good. We must learn to rest in the fact that He is good and He is in control. When I remember this and all that He has done in the past, I can trust the outcome to His perfect will.

Demanding answers from the All-Knowing is pointless. It is kind of like explaining things only my adult mind can comprehend to my five year old. Even if I try to explain it, he cannot fully comprehend. Yet my five year old knows that I love him and though he may cry about some of those adult decisions, he lifts his hands to me to hold and comfort him. He trusts though he cannot fully comprehend. I reason that is how it is with us. We cannot comprehend many things in this world but our perfect Father knows what is best. We can cry but reach up for His greater comfort for us through it. His love never fails us. May He help us never forget. May we keep our minds fixed on this truth rather than the temporary circumstances around us.

Things Learned When My Husband Was Out of the Country

Though I missed my husband the past fourteen days he was away and value him incredibly, I found out that I am really okay on my own. This experience was a good one for me because I never want my husband to be an idol in my life. He has been my best friend since I was 16 years old so it seems he has always been there. I suffer with physical weakness often so it is easy to rely on my man. I do think it is okay to rely on him, my life partner and spouse that the Lord has provided for me however, there is a fine line regarding this. Ultimately the Lord is to be my strength. While my husband was away I could really tell the Lord was my strength.

It was good as well to depend and know that the community that God gives us was available to me which keeps me from being self-sufficient. I was so thankful for the help from the community of God.

How could I tell I would be okay with God alone?

When things got so rough with the children that I just wanted to give up all hope, I could redirect my mind to the good news of the gospel and the promises of God's word. God by His Spirit would work those truths into my heart and in Christ they would bring me great comfort and provide the strength I needed to move forward. His love redirected my steps back to Him.

When the trash needed to go out, I did it. I did not hold a secret grudge about my husband's choice to ignore it because well, he was out of the country. I realized it is not a big deal to take the trash out. It does not have to be solely my husband's job who is just as tired as I am at the end of a day.

When the pool over filled, I was able to take instruction to fix it. I was also able to maintain it and keep it running well. God gives the strength for this.

When a light bulb went out up high, I just pulled out a stool and changed it.

When a scary bug tried to scare the life of me, I squashed it.

When I was so very scared at night, God gave me the peace to sleep well knowing He never sleeps or slumbers and watches over us. God truly cares for us, even in the simple things like a bad light bulb or a scary bug. He will never leave or forsake us. He gives us all we need.

There are so many little things, but they are huge to me, that my husband does. I appreciate him so very much. I appreciate his help. I am so glad we are a team together in life. I did learn, however, that if he were to return to me never more I would be okay. God provides us all that is needed. His grace overflows to us in our times of need. Now instead of making my husband my world, I am free to enjoy him as a great gift from the Lord who is actually my world. The Lord is my strength and my song. He is everything. I am thankful for these observations.

When God Says No to a Mother's Heart Cry

I am guest posting over at Comfort in the Midst of Chaos Special Needs blog today. Here is a portion:

"Yet even when you do pray, your prayers are not answered, because you pray just for selfish reasons" (James 4:3, CEV).

"Please, God, Please don't let my daughter have autism," I cried out as the reality of it pierced my heart. It was a prayer I spoke silently in my heart several years prior. There were moments when I knew something was different. Those moments when all the toys had to be in a line perfectly or enduring fits thrown that seemed out of proportion because I had no idea what went wrong. These little but distinct things were things I secretly held in my heart and I cried out to God.
READ MORE.

The Perfect Facebook Life

Please don't let my Facebook posts make you think my life is perfect, because it is not. I struggle daily like the rest of the world. I am not always having fun or loving my kids or husband the way I should. I am a complete mess. I hope my Facebook page does not deceive you.

I have a real problem with Facebook. My problem is the lack of authenticity it portrays. People make posts about how great their lives are and post photos all the time about it, myself included. However, if we really posted what was happening, how messy and hard life is, it would make it easier for me to stomach.

Yet, every time I decide to secretly shut my Facebook account down, someone inevitably ends up telling me how encouraging my posts are to them. Then I am torn. I want to glorify God in all I say and do. I am not deceived though that posts may end up bringing the glory to me. This is not what I want. I try to post and live authentically. I try to glorify God as the center of all I do, yet I often fall short.

It is nice to be able to share Christ and encourage others in Christ through social media. I love that so much! However, I do not like how people use that same means to bash and boast. We can all get roped into this at times. We are desperately messed up people who continually battle narcissism and are in need of a great Savior. Who will save us from ourselves? Facebook shows me this desperate need. It exposes it daily. It grieves my soul.

We need to be encouraged to think of ourselves less. Facebook helps us think of ourselves more. I don't like that. Yet I stay because if one thing can point someone to Christ then the mess is worth entering in to. And as my Spirit grieves for those who are harsh, worshiping false idols, or faking life through the net, I can also pray. I pray we will develop into people of grace and truth who focus solely on our Savior.

So who will save us from ourselves? Christ will! Believer, He is the One who knows our hearts to the core and loves us anyway. There is nothing that is hidden from Him and He still chose us before the foundation of the world was ever laid. He died willingly because of His great love for us. He can save us from our narcissism and bring our eyes back to a right focus on Him and help us be more authentic on our journeys. Thus leading me to conclude for now, I will continue on in Facebook as messy as it remains.