On Losing Those Things Dear

My heart aches like a tight ball that wants to burst forth yet I wall it up, it is impenetrable because I have cemented walls around it right now. I am in survival mode. Everyone around me is experiencing loss. I am too but I am trying not to feel it.

They say the deeper the love, the greater the loss. I am not ready for it. I numb my heart with thick impenetrable walls. I am trying to be strong for now. The floodgates that hold back the waterfalls about to burst from my eye lids are waiting, I deny them.

Death, it is occurring presently before me. Loss is death; death of something. At the present, I am losing something most dear to me. One of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to me; my dearest friend. She has been with me through great suffering and loss and the greatest and highest joys. We have walked many roads and grown together down them. I am so very thankful for this time and realize I cannot hold on to anyone or anything too tightly. Another path is meant for her now as well as for me and I rejoice in that but with that comes great sadness. It really doesn't come with adequate words. Only tears, tears that God will collect in that bottle of tears (Psalm 56:8) where He records my sorrows. For my sorrows are important to Him.

I can press on in this loss because I know God has the most amazing plans for our separate paths. I remember this life is a breath and then we will have all of eternity together. I remember our paths now require a greater sacrifice but I linger now in the present that still exists before the impending day of loss; that great day of shaking. I loathe this day but it is bittersweet. For I know His plans are greater than any we can even think up or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I don't know how I will move forward yet after the great day of loss, but I know God will help me. Life will go on as it always does. I will mourn. I will eventually accept this new reality and find a way to adapt. I know to move forward I have to let those walls of stone crumble down, and it will hurt most terribly, but I know the One who exchanges our heart of stone for a heart of flesh will hold me and comfort me in my great time of loss. I know I can trust Him with my heart, so I will, but for now I will let tears flow as I write, then I will be strong again until the day of loss.