A Word About Open Adoption - Our Story So Far

When I first thought about adopting a child and God put that desire into my heart, because honestly God has to open your heart to this kind of task, I initially wanted absolutely no contact with the birth parents. My husband and I prayed about this and felt led to start the process of adopting from the Philippines. Part of my heart motivation of adopting from overseas was the bonus of no contact with the birth family.

God however had other things in store for us. Our initial plan is not how it happened for our family. My youngest daughter was having some difficulty in life and behavior. It was during this time we discovered she had autism. It put a halt on our plans. We knew as a family we needed to learn how to better function. We just stopped talking about adoption. We entrusted that dream to God. If He wanted it it would happen in His time. It is His plan in building families so we would wait for Him.

Over that dying to our plans and dreams of adoption period we learned a lot of better coping skills useful for our family. Things were better but I was not sure if we were ready to bring another in to change that family dynamic. And at this time I was having a flare with my mystery illness. I was fine with how things were as is.

My girls started asking again about adoption and a baby brother. I kept saying pray. God will show us. Then my health took a remission again. It was now again a possibility. I kept asking God how to proceed for I was ready if it was time. Yet it is hard to pick up a dream again that you purposely let die.

Shortly after my health remission my friend called saying there were some boys that were going into the state system if they could not find some families to take guardianship of them. I said I would pray. This was not adoption but guardianship until the family could get things straightened out. It was different but was it God's path for us? My husband immediately said he would not leave a child out who needed help. He was on board. I was a little hesitant.

You see I was working with the state system and families in these kind of crisis es earlier as a social worker. I have seen what happens. I did not know if my heart could stand doing something like this. It would be hard work. Harder than I have ever done. But as a family we agreed to it. We hoped we could help this family get on their feet. Help them get things on track and get their children back. It also would give us a taste of how it would be to adopt. Could we really consider it after this task was complete?

Now when you do something like this you get to know people really well. You see very clearly the ups and downs, habits, and everything in their life. Much more really than you like to know. But you love anyway in a long suffering way. You learn to exist together as a unit for the welfare of the kids. You make it work. It is a new interesting family unit.

The shift in thought came at about 8 or 9 months into this process. We saw no change. No hope of returning the kids. We started to pray for permanency because all kids need this. They cannot remain in limbo and with a few displacements prior these kids deserved better. That is when the a word came up. It was a hard word. You see adoption is very permanent. It is very difficult. It takes great love.

Adoption for any birth mother is hard. It is seeing yourself rightly and realizing you cannot take care of these kids the way they deserve to be taken care of for various reasons. It is loving them enough to let them go. It is choosing not to abort them but bring them to life outside the womb. It is very difficult. I cannot even pretend I understand the pain. It is brave. It is selfless. It is death.

Not sure how adoption law works in all states but legally in Tennessee after birth parents sign termination of parental rights the adoptive parents do not have to have any contact with the birth family. Even in open adoption we are not obligated to see the birth family again. The term really only keeps the records open which are very vague. They do not explain anything like the whys of it.

Open adoption is a choice to love the birth family and keep them involved in ways you see fit that would benefit them but mostly the child involved. Our little guys birth family love him dearly yet they saw they could not give him stability anytime in the near future. They saw it was only fair for him and his future to move past this stage on to permanency. This was his best chance in life and they want to give him that.

In our case of open adoption it is probably the most open I have seen. We are choosing to stay involved with the birth parents and grandparents and siblings. We feel like we have been adopted by a larger family unit. We have gotten to know them really well over the past 15 months. We actually like each other. It is an amazing work of God. It took time to get to this place. And only time will show how it proceeds. All I know is that in adoption the child becomes yours as if you birthed them yourself. In turn it places the birth parents in an aunt or uncle role. It can be confusing but if you can all live together selflessly for the sake of the children then it can be a good experience. One that needs to be worked through each step of the way keeping the best interest of the children at heart.

The only way one can do this is rightly placing their identity in Christ and nothing else. Otherwise feelings of threat and jealousy will surface. We must depend on HIM every step of the way. All of us. We must remember this together. We must speak the gospel to ourselves moment by moment. We must see ourselves rightly as sinners in need of a Savior who loves us enough to come down to us to save us as we trust in Him.

We have always wanted a big family and in a way this has extended it. We will root for the birth parents to succeed. We will root for the success of the siblings. We will pray faithfully for them. We will love them well. We will be what we need to be in it. Not perfect but perfectly flawed children of God. We lean and depend on Him each step of the way.