Monday, June 8, 2009

I Feel So Fake Today

Oh can I just tell you that I am struggling with some kind of anger. It is just under the surface. I have been pondering and praying about this and God has been showing me some of the things in my heart. I need to be honest, this process is very painful. Yet God only shows us things and lets us feel things that will drive us closer to Him.

Today, I had to get my children some new tennis shoes for camp. Though I wanted it to be a fun experience I felt myself becoming annoyed with my children because our time was short. I didn't want to feel this way and I prayed but I found myself too easily snapping at them. That is not what they needed. Especially since they will be away from me for the entire day.

When we arrived to camp in their anxiety I found myself annoyed with them yet again about feeling insecure. Instead of being a safe place for them I let them down. I feel wretched and awful. I feel like the absolute worst mother of all. But in my lacking God is there for them.

God revealed to me that because most every thing in my life is unstable right now, because of uncertain choices, I am having a hard time trusting. I am having a hard time taking His yoke upon me. His burden is easy. I am taking on too much myself. I do this without knowing it. The instability has shaken me to the core but in that it reveals what is in my heart and where my security has been. God is our Rock and in Him alone is where we need to place that.

Father, forgive me for the things in my heart. Purify it. Lord, forgive me for not trusting you enough. Lead me into Your yoke alone. Lord, thank You for being the solid Rock upon which I stand. In Jesus Name. Amen.


The Small Scribbler said...

We've been under a bit of stress here lately as well and I find that the little annoyances of the children being children sends me over the edge. And you're right. It does come down to the decision to trust rest in him...and to do the things before us peaceably. I'll be praying for you, we are walking the same path.


Kathy said...

THAT was awesome, my friend. When we get raw and real is when we're the most relatable, and boy, can ever relate to this. I love you for sharing it (and because you're you). ;-) (FYI, I made a confession too, of something i felt horrible's at if you're interested.)

Angela @ Refresh My Soul Blog said...

Ladies you just don't know how much you mean to me!!! We are in this together and all travel these ups and downs. I am praying for you all too!!
Much love,

Anonymous said...

I snipped at my middle child just a couple days ago then walked away wondering why I just did that. After a few minutes of deep thought, I had to go back to her and apologize. I explained to her that life's problems that I could not fix were constantly simmering inside me, and when she was disobedient, it added just enough heat to the pot to make it start boiling. I did not excuse my snipping at her but owned it and apologized fully, but I also allowed her to understand my stress level and see into my heart and my hurts. I took that moment to ask her to please help me lower the stresses as far as her part was concerned. I let her see the fragility and humanity of her mother, and asked her to keep my heart in her prayers.

It was a really good open moment for both of us.

Angela @ Refresh My Soul Blog said...

I love that conversation you had with your daughter! I believe that restoration makes things much better despite our faults. I praise God that He makes us righteous through Him alone.

Cheri said...

Can I just tell you how much I love it that you shared that with us- your honesty is wonderful.
You are not a wretched mother- you are a human mother. Stress certainly doesn't bring out the best in us does it! Your kids know you love them with everything you have and I think it's important for them to hear us say we're sorry and do better next time.

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