I Don't Like Being A Parent

There I said it. It is so very hard to live in a world among people who just look like they have it all together. I mean, they are all joyous and happy all the time. Their kids sacrifice for others without complaint or squabbling. They say yes, maam or yes, sir when given a task. This is what drives me insane. Yes, insane is the right word as I sit here typing trying to figure out if I need to go to the hospital over my mental state.

As a mother, I love my children. I pour my life out for them daily, almost moment by moment. However, when I think that love will be reciprocal, I am dead wrong. They fight. They argue and complain about simple requests I give them. They treat the stranger in the store so much nicer than a sibling.

All I can think of is that I did this. Somehow there is something so deficient in my parenting that I have failed. I have tried so many different things with them from charts and kind words to rewards and special treats. I have even experimented with yelling or not yelling--no difference. None of it works. None. I am not sure why I am even surprised by this either. Sin is the cause of all behavior issues and it is rooted deeply in the heart. Shedding it takes time, it is a process. Therefore, I am feeling powerless and I just want to give up.

Have you felt that way before? Have you? Am I the only ill-equipped and deficient mom out there sitting and wondering why so many others look like they have it all together while I am here eating my tears? Seriously, I am eating them because I sacrificed a nice piece of pizza earlier simply because I knew the children wanted it. In turn, that is what a good mom does? Sacrifice, right?

I just cannot help but to think that, really, I have missed the point. Keeping an outside of a cup clean does not mean the deep recesses of the interior is. I need to press forward and keep at the target of the heart. When I do this we will never appear to have it all together. We were never meant to. It is grace that I depend on and trust my Father knew what He was doing in giving me these children. He knows what it took to pay for sin.

I am writing here as a mom who has her hands up. I surrender. I give up. There is absolutely nothing I can do with this. Only my Father in heaven can move in their hearts. I press into Him. I beg Him to show me something happening in those dark places and I have the faith to know He will do it for it is He who has done a good work in them that will see it on to completion. He will see it through. He must! It is His work.

However, it is trusting by faith He will do this. I want the change now and I understand this is a process so what do I do in the meantime when I am seriously struggling with what to do with them? As a mom surrendered I must also walk what this looks like out before their eyes. I must admit my own heart struggles and my desperate need for a Savior. Through watching their father and I they will learn how this process goes. We can model what true humility and brokenness over sin looks like. Then model the joy of a Savior who was so in love with us He chose to die anyway.

I think the real reason why I do not like being a parent is because I don't like discipline. I want to be more of a friend maybe but I cannot be, not at this time. It also robs me of my comfort. It challenges my need to control. It certainly depletes my approval rating. However, in the end, I must trust that they will see it was all for their better good. As the law was put in place for the children of Israel to see their great need for a Savior. It is too hard to try to obey. We all need a Savior.

Our Savior is One who pours forth grace, enough for each moment. I must trust by faith how I will get through the next day. That day has the grace needed of its own. He will be trustworthy to pour it out on me then. He is a good Father. He never leaves or forsakes us. He isn't even shaking His head at me now as I struggle with being a mother. He is not judgmental like that because all sin was judged on the cross. He is well pleased with me in Christ. I take the grace He has given now freely and trust He will provide the grace I need the next moment. I trust He will use every bit of my mess to beautify something in our lives. He is good like that. Maybe even one day He will show me how to delight in being a parent, even in the pain and sacrifice. For He is working in my heart too. Uprooting sinfulness, exposing the dark places in my heart. He is truly teaching me how to love the unlovely.

Mom, do you struggle with liking the parenting thing too? There is hope for us. God is the perfect Father to us. He delights in us. He will help us to learn that perfect balance as well. We can trust that. Let us pray for one another. We will get through this well in HIM. In HIM alone for it is the only way.